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Principles › Saying it

Saying it

Honest and hearable

Say the real thing, in a way they can take in.

For example

What someone might writeSorry, I know you’re super busy and it’s totally fine if not, but maybe at some point we could possibly talk about the rent thing? No worries either way!

What the other person readsI’d like to talk about how we split the rent. When’s a good time for you?

How Porcupine uses it

In practice

Observation, feeling, need, request

Say what happened, how you feel, what you need and what you’re asking for.

A clear, doable request

Ask for something specific the other person can actually say yes to.

Why it helps

Hard messages fail in two directions. Too sharp, and the other person defends themselves instead of listening. Too hidden, and the point never arrives: the complaint is buried in apologies, or the request is never made. People often misjudge which way they lean: in negotiation studies, many people who came across as appropriately assertive believed they had gone too far. So a good rewrite isn’t always a softer one. Sometimes it’s a plainer one, and the point, the request or the “no” always survives.

What we don’t know yet

Most of the evidence that being direct can help comes from couples, coworkers and negotiations between strangers. One study of families found that grown children and their parents who dealt with tensions constructively got along better. Friendships have been studied less. And what counts as direct enough varies: between cultures, and between people within one. Softer and Firmer leave that choice with you.

See it in a conversation

More guides ›

The research

Studied with adults in general

In negotiation studies, many people whose counterparts saw them as appropriately assertive believed they had come across as too pushy, and some then gave ground to repair a relationship that didn’t need repairing.

Ames, D. R., & Wazlawek, A. S. (2014). Pushing in the dark: Causes and consequences of limited self-awareness for interpersonal assertiveness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(6), 775–790.

Studied with couples

In a year-long study of couples, direct requests for change felt less successful in the moment than indirect ones, but went with more actual change over the following year.

Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Sibley, C. G. (2009). Regulating partners in intimate relationships: The costs and benefits of different communication strategies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 620–639.

Studied with adults in general

In field and lab experiments, people who were honest in conversations they usually avoid, including giving negative feedback, found it more pleasant and less damaging than they expected, because the other person reacted less badly than they predicted.

Levine, E. E., & Cohen, T. R. (2018). You can handle the truth: Mispredicting the consequences of honest communication. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(9), 1400–1429.

More research

Studied with coworkers

In studies of managers, coworkers rated both too little and too much assertiveness as a weakness. The middle was rated best.

Ames, D. R., & Flynn, F. J. (2007). What breaks a leader: The curvilinear relation between assertiveness and leadership. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(2), 307–324.

Studied with couples

A review of couples research concluded that direct communication about a problem, even when it’s negative, tends to help when the problem is serious and needs to change, while indirect approaches can leave it unresolved.

Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5.

Studied with coworkers

In a field study and two experiments, managers rated employees who spoke up in challenging ways as worse performers, and backed their ideas less, than employees who spoke up in supportive ways.

Burris, E. R. (2012). The risks and rewards of speaking up: Managerial responses to employee voice. Academy of Management Journal, 55(4), 851–875.

Studied with parents and grown children

In a study of 158 families with grown children, parents and children who handled tensions constructively had better relationships, while avoiding the problem or reacting destructively went with poorer ones.

Birditt, K. S., Rott, L. M., & Fingerman, K. L. (2009). “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”: Coping with interpersonal tensions in the parent–child relationship during adulthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(6), 769–778.

Studied with coworkers

A meta-analysis of studies of employees found that speaking up with ideas for improvement went with better performance ratings, while speaking up about problems went with worse ones.

Chamberlin, M., Newton, D. W., & LePine, J. A. (2017). A meta-analysis of voice and its promotive and prohibitive forms: Identification of key associations, distinctions, and future research directions. Personnel Psychology, 70(1), 11–71.

From practice

A widely used approach for co-parents’ texts and emails recommends replies that are brief, informative, friendly and firm.

Eddy, B., Burns, A. T., & Chafin, K. (2020). BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts. Unhooked Books.

From practice

Nonviolent Communication, a widely used framework, separates observations from judgments so the listener hears the need instead of an attack.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.

Library last updated October 2026.