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Guide · Anyone in the family
How to tell your family you’re not coming home for the holidays
You can say no to the trip and still make it clear you care. Here’s how.
Say it plainly, and soon
Give them time to adjust, and give your real reason in a sentence. You don’t owe a long defense.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayI’m not totally sure yet, things are kind of crazy, we’ll see how it goes?
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, request“We’ll see how it goes” keeps them waiting on an answer you already have. Saying you’ve decided, with one true reason, lets them start adjusting now.
What might land betterI’ve decided not to come home for the holidays this year. Work is too tight to take the time off, and I wanted to tell you now.
Say what you’ll miss
If you’re sad about it too, say so. It shows them this was a hard choice, not an easy one.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayIt’s just not happening this year. Sorry.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“Just not happening” sounds like it doesn’t matter to you. Naming the long dinner and the walk shows you’ll miss it too.
What might land betterI’m really going to miss being there, especially the long dinner and the walk afterward.
Hear how they feel
They may be disappointed. Let them say so, and say back what you heard before you explain again.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayPlease don’t make me feel guilty about this.
Porcupine · Validate the feeling“Don’t make me feel guilty” turns their disappointment into something they did to you. Saying you know they were looking forward to it lets them feel it.
What might land betterI know you were looking forward to it. I’m sorry it’s hard.
Stay kind, and stay with your decision
You can understand their disappointment and still keep your plan. There’s no need to argue it all over again.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayI already told you, I’m not coming. Drop it.
Porcupine · Validate the feeling“Drop it” shuts them out. “I hear you” takes in how they feel, and “I’m still not coming” keeps your answer just as clear.
What might land betterI hear you, and I’ll miss it too. I’m still not coming this year.
Offer another way to be together
A video call on the day, a visit later, or something that arrives in the mail shows you still want to be part of it.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayMaybe next year, I guess.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Maybe next year, I guess” leaves nothing to hold on to. A video call on the day and a January visit are plans they can look forward to.
What might land betterCould we do a video call on the day? And I’d love to come visit in January.
If it comes up every year
Where to spend the holidays can be a standing difference in a family. An arrangement you can all live with, worked out year by year, is a good outcome too.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Saying “we’ll see” until the last minute
A maybe can feel gentler than a no, but it leaves them planning around you and makes the no harder later. Once you’ve decided, say so.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYour grandmother won’t be around forever.
You could sayI know, and I’d love to see her. Could I visit in January, and call her on the day?
If they sayEveryone else is making the effort.
You could sayI know it looks that way. This year I can’t, and I’ll miss being there.
If they sayFine. Do what you want.
You could sayI know you’re disappointed. I love you, and I’ll call on the day.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYeah, so I’m not going to make it this year. Work’s crazy. Sorry.
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, requestA quick “Sorry” can read as not caring. A clear decision, what you’ll miss, and a call and a visit to look forward to show you still want to be there.
What might land betterI’ve decided not to come home for the holidays this year. Work is too tight to take the time off, and I wanted to tell you now. I’m really going to miss the long dinner and the walk afterward. Could we do a video call on the day, and could I come visit in January?
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Common questions
What if they try to change my mind?
You can understand their disappointment and still keep your plan: “I know it’s hard. I’ll miss it too. I’m still not coming this year.” You don’t need to argue it again.
How far ahead should I tell them?
As soon as you’ve decided. The earlier they know, the easier it is for them to plan.
What if one parent takes it harder than the other?
Talk with them separately if you can. Each may need something different, like a call on the day or a visit soon after.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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More for the season
- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).