Guide · Friends
How to ask a friend to pay you back
Asking for money back can feel awkward. Here’s how to ask simply and keep it friendly.
Assume it slipped their mind
Start there, not with what it says about them. You can always find out more if it keeps happening.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to saySo I guess you were never planning to pay me back?
Porcupine · Actions, not motives“Never planning to pay me back” guesses the worst. “Slipped your mind” gives them an easy way to fix it.
What might land betterNot sure if this slipped your mind, but could you send the $60 for the tickets?
Be direct and specific
Name the amount and what it was for. Hints and jokes are easy to miss.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayHaha, so I guess I’m the bank now? 😅
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“I guess I’m the bank now?” makes the ask a joke. “Could you send me the $60 for the concert tickets?” is the ask itself.
What might land betterHey, could you send me the $60 for the concert tickets when you get a chance?
Keep it about the money
A specific amount is easy to fix. A comment on what kind of person they are isn’t.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou always do this with money.
Porcupine · Skip “always” and “never”“You always do this” turns one debt into a pattern. $60 for the tickets is one thing, and easy to settle.
What might land betterYou still owe $60 for the tickets.
Make it easy to say yes
Suggest a way that works: a payment app, a date, or paying it back in parts if money is tight.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayJust pay me whenever, I guess.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Whenever, I guess” hides that you’d like it soon. Friday and a payment app give them a clear way to do it.
What might land betterCould you send it by Friday? A payment app is easiest for me.
If they can’t pay yet, hear why
If it’s a tight month, listen, and agree on a time that works for both of you.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayThat’s not my problem.
Porcupine · Show you’re open“That’s not my problem” closes the talk on them. Half now and half later meets them where they are, and still gets you paid.
What might land betterThat’s okay. Would half now and half at the end of the month work?
If it drags on, say how it’s affecting you
If it’s starting to weigh on the friendship, say so, kindly and plainly.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayForget it. I’ll know better next time.
Porcupine · Explain the impact“I’ll know better next time” gives up on the money and a little of the trust. Saying it’s been on your mind, and why, gives you both a way to settle it.
What might land betterI don’t want this to get weird between us, and it’s been on my mind. Could we sort out the $60 by the end of the month?
The common mistake
Hinting instead of asking
Jokes about being “the bank,” or mentioning how tight money is lately, feel safer than asking. But they’re easy to miss, and you end up resenting it. A plain ask is kinder to both of you.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI thought that was your treat.
You could sayAh, I can see how that got mixed up. I meant for us to split it. Could you send your half?
If they sayWow, you’re really keeping track?
You could sayOnly because it was a big one for me. I don’t want it to get weird between us.
If they sayI’ll get it to you soon.
You could sayThanks. Would the end of the month work?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayHaha, so I guess I’m the bank now? 😅 You always do this.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“I guess I’m the bank now?” and “you always do this” turn a $60 ask into a joke and a charge. The amount, what it’s for and a way to pay make it easy to sort out.
What might land betterHey, could you send me the $60 for the concert tickets when you get a chance? A payment app is easiest for me, ideally by Friday.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your friend, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
How long should I wait before asking?
A week or two is reasonable for most things. For a bigger amount, or if you need it back by a date, say so when you lend it.
What if it’s a small amount?
Small amounts still add up, and still matter. A light, direct ask is fine: “Could you send me the $12 for lunch?”
Should I ask in person or by text?
A text is often easier for both of you. It’s simple to answer, and they can pay right away.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).