Guide · Exes
How to stay friends with your ex
This is for exes who both want to stay friends. Here’s how to make it work.
Give it some space first
Right after a breakup, feelings run high. Some time apart can make friendship easier later.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayWant to grab dinner this week, like old times?
Porcupine · Pause when flooded“Like old times” skips over what’s changed. A few weeks apart first gives the friendship a better start.
What might land betterI’d like us to stay friends, and I think a few weeks apart first would help us both.
Check that you both want it
Ask, rather than assume. One of you may need more distance.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayWe’re obviously still friends.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“We’re obviously still friends” decides for both of you. Asking, and saying distance is okay, lets them answer honestly.
What might land betterDo you want to stay friends? It’s okay if you need more distance.
Talk about what friendship looks like now
It won’t look the same as before. Say so, and ask what feels okay.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to saySo we’re still cool, right? Nothing has to change.
Porcupine · Show you’re open“Nothing has to change” hopes past what has. Saying it’ll look different, and asking what feels okay, starts from where you are.
What might land betterI’d like us to stay friends, and I know it’ll look different now. Could we talk about what feels okay for both of us?
Agree on a few ground rules
How often you’ll talk, whether you’ll talk about dating, and what you’ll do at shared events.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayLet’s just see what happens.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Let’s just see what happens” leaves the hard parts to chance. Group plans, and leaving dating out, are simple rules you can both keep.
What might land betterCould we keep it to group plans for now, and leave dating out of it?
Leave old arguments in the past
Friendship is easier without reopening why it ended.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayWell, if you hadn’t…
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“If you hadn’t…” starts the old argument again. “Let’s leave that in the past” stops it before it starts.
What might land betterLet’s leave that in the past.
Check in as things change
A new partner or a hard week can change what’s comfortable. Ask, and listen.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayWhy are you being weird lately?
Porcupine · Ask real questions“Why are you being weird?” makes it their fault. Saying things feel different, and asking if it still works, opens it up.
What might land betterThings feel a bit different lately. Is this still working for you?
If one of you needs more distance
That’s okay, and it isn’t a failure. Stepping back for a while is a choice either of you can make.
Their words, their choice ›
The common mistake
Acting like nothing changed
Texting every day and hanging out alone like before can blur the lines, and make it harder for either of you to move on. A friendship after a breakup usually needs a new shape, said out loud.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI don’t think I can be friends right now.
You could sayI understand. Take the time you need.
If they sayAre you seeing someone?
You could sayI’d rather we leave dating out of it for now, if that’s okay.
If they sayThis feels weird.
You could sayIt does a bit. Want to keep it to group plans for a while?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySo we’re still cool, right? Nothing has to change.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problemWanting the friendship, knowing it’ll change, a pause and room for more space. It asks for what’s right for you both now, not what it used to be.
What might land betterI’d like us to stay friends, and I know it’ll look different now. Could we give it a few weeks, then talk about what feels okay for both of us? If you need more space than that, that’s okay too.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your ex, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
How long should we wait before being friends?
There’s no set time. Many people need a few weeks or months. It’s ready when you can see them without it hurting.
Is it okay to talk about dating other people?
Agree on it together. Some exes are fine with it; others need that topic off the table for a while.
What if one of us still has feelings?
Say so honestly, or notice it in yourself. More distance for a while may be kinder than pushing for friendship now.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).