What’s Your Conflict Style? › The Deal Maker and the Firecracker
Conflict styles, together
The Deal Maker and the Firecracker
One is ready to settle. The other isn’t done being upset. An offer can feel too soon.
A free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
Where it works
The problem gets said out loud, and then there’s someone ready to do something about it.
Where it trips
An offer in the middle of the heat can sound like “calm down.” And heat can make a fair offer look as if it wasn’t worth making.
How each can be misread
Deal MakerCan we just split it?
- Can mean
- I want this to end well.
- Can read as
- You don’t get why I’m upset.
FirecrackerIt’s not about the money!
- Can mean
- This hurt.
- Can read as
- Your offer’s worthless.
How it can go
A bike that came back broken
FirecrackerYou broke it and didn’t even tell me!
Deal MakerOkay, can we just split the repair?
FirecrackerIt’s not about the money!
PorcupineThe offer may have been a real try at making it right. “Not about the money” may mean the not telling was the hard part. That part may still need an answer.
Why it helps: Check before assuming › Free tool · What does this text mean?Got a message like this?Paste it in to see a few ways it could be read, and what you could say back. We don’t save it.Check a textOne thing each can try
The Deal Maker
Let them finish before you offer anything.
I can see you’re upset. What bothered you most?
Why it helps: Understand before answering ›The Firecracker
Take a few minutes, then bring up the part that hurt.
I need ten minutes. Then I’d like to talk about why you didn’t tell me.
Why it helps: Cool down, then talk ›After a fight
Style is only half of it. Two people can want different things afterward: one wants to talk tonight, and the other needs a day. Neither is wrong. Say it out loud: “Here’s what I need after a fight. What do you need?”
Know a pair like this?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore on these styles
- The Deal MakerYou’d rather both get something than argue all night.
- The FirecrackerQuick to light, quick to fizzle out.
- The seven conflict stylesSeven ways people handle a disagreement, and five ways they come back from it.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).