What’s Your Conflict Style? › Two Untanglers
Conflict styles, together
Two Untanglers
Two people who want to talk it through. It gets there, though it may take until 2 a.m.
A free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
Where it works
Both go toward hard things and care what’s underneath. Not much stays unsaid.
Where it trips
Not everything needs a full talk. Two people who want to finish it can keep going past the point where it’s helping, and a small thing can grow.
How each can be misread
One UntanglerOne more thing.
- Can mean
- I want us to be okay.
- Can read as
- This will never end.
The otherBut what did you mean?
- Can mean
- I want to understand.
- Can read as
- I’m questioning you.
How it can go
A small comment, late at night
One UntanglerCan we go back to what you said at lunch?
The otherSure. But first, what did you mean by that?
One UntanglerOne more thing, and then I’ll tell you.
PorcupineBoth may want the same thing, and both may be tired. It might help to stop for tonight, even with nothing settled.
Why it helps: Check before assuming › Free tool · What does this text mean?Got a message like this?Paste it in to see a few ways it could be read, and what you could say back. We don’t save it.Check a textOne thing each can try
Whoever notices
Not everything has to be finished tonight.
I think we’ve said enough for now. Can we sleep on it?
Why it helps: Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›Whoever’s tired
Check whether it’s still helping.
Is this still helping, or should we stop for tonight?
Why it helps: Ask, don’t pressure ›After a fight
Style is only half of it. Two people can want different things afterward: one wants to talk tonight, and the other needs a day. Neither is wrong. Say it out loud: “Here’s what I need after a fight. What do you need?”
Know a pair like this?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict style- The UntanglerYou can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
- The seven conflict stylesSeven ways people handle a disagreement, and five ways they come back from it.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).