What’s Your Conflict Style? › The Untangler
Conflict styles
The Untangler
You can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
The Untangler goes toward a disagreement and wants to get to the bottom of it, so you both know what happened and why.
Find your conflict styleA free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
What it looks like
Three everyday moments, handled the Untangler way. Every style’s page uses the same three, so you can compare.
With a friend · They borrowed your car and brought it back with the tank empty.
Ask what happened, and say it bothered you more than a tank of gas should.
With family · A parent rearranges your kitchen on every visit.
Sit down with them and ask what they’re hoping to do when they move things.
At work · A coworker keeps leaving you off the emails about your project.
Ask to go through it together, so you both know how the other sees it.
How it lands
What it does well
You go toward hard things, and you care what’s underneath for both of you.
Where it trips
Not everything needs a full talk, and pushing to finish tonight can feel like pressure to someone who needs a break.
One thing to try
Porcupine · a tipAsk if now’s a good time, and take no for an answer.
Instead ofWe need to talk about this right now.
TryI’d like to talk about this. Now, or later this week?
A guide that may help: How to stop having the same argument over and over ›
With other styles
With people who make less room
The Firecracker · The Case Maker
What you give up may be easy for them to miss.
Try: Say your side too: “Here’s what matters to me.”
With people who speak up less
The Peacekeeper · The Quiet One · The Deal Maker
It may feel settled to you before it does to them.
Try: Leave a gap, and ask: “What do you think? I really want to know.”
The Untangler with each style
Where each pairing works, where it trips, and one thing each can try.
If someone handles it like this
“Can we talk?” often means they want things to be okay between you. You still get to say when.
It may not be bad news
A request to talk can sound scary. It may only mean this matters to them.
Say when, not just no
“Not tonight” goes better with a time. “Saturday morning?” tells them it isn’t going away.
You can stop for now
A talk doesn’t have to finish in one sitting. It’s fine to say you’ve had enough for tonight.
If they sayWe really need to talk about this tonight.
Porcupine · a tipIf now doesn’t work, say so, and offer a time.
You could sayI want to, and I’m tired. Can we talk tomorrow after dinner?
Common questions
What is an Untangler in a conflict?
Going toward a disagreement instead of away: “Can we talk about what happened?” The aim is to understand what’s underneath for both of you.
Is the Untangler a collaborating conflict style?
Close. “Collaborating” is the usual name for working through a problem together. Porcupine made up the Untangler, and its name puts the weight on talking until it’s clear.
Is it bad to want to talk things out right away?
No. Going toward a hard thing takes care. It can feel like pressure to someone who needs a break, though, so asking when helps.
How do I stop pushing to talk it out?
Ask if now’s a good time, and take no for an answer. It turns the talk into something they can say yes to.
Am I an Untangler?
If you can’t settle until it’s talked through, maybe. The quiz gives you twelve everyday moments and shows what you tend to do when something’s wrong and how you come back from it, in about three minutes.
Know someone this sounds like?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore from Porcupine
All seven styles
- The FirecrackerQuick to light, quick to fizzle out.
- The UntanglerYou can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
- The PeacekeeperYou’ll give a lot to keep things good between you.
- The Quiet OneWhen it gets hard, you go quiet.
- The Case MakerYou have your facts straight, and you came prepared.
- The Deal MakerYou’d rather both get something than argue all night.
- The ChameleonNo one style stood out, and your choices moved around.
The five ways back
A way back is what you need after a fight. It goes with any of the seven styles.
- Talk It ThroughYou need to go back over it until you both understand.
- Sorry FirstYou’re the first to say sorry.
- Give It TimeYou need space before you can come back to it.
- Back to NormalA joke, a coffee, and it’s over.
- Fix ItYou want to know what’s different next time.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).