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Guide · Strangers and acquaintances

How to ask someone to keep it down in public

A polite, specific ask gives them an easy way to fix it. Here’s how.

  1. Decide if it’s worth it

    If you’re leaving in five minutes, it may not be. It’s your call.

    Their words, their choice ›

  2. Assume they don’t realize

    Headphones and phone calls can make people louder than they notice.

    What you might want to sayAre you seriously doing this right now?

    Porcupine · Actions, not motives“Are you seriously doing this?” assumes they know. “You might not be able to tell with headphones in” gives them the benefit of the doubt.

    What might land betterExcuse me, you might not be able to tell with headphones in, but it’s pretty loud.

    Check before assuming ›

  3. Ask politely and specifically

    Say what, and how much.

    What you might want to saySome of us are trying to have some peace and quiet here.

    Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“Some of us are trying to have some peace” is aimed at them without asking anything. Turning the music down a little is the ask, said directly.

    What might land betterExcuse me, would you mind turning your music down a little? It’s coming through pretty loud.

    Honest and hearable ›

  4. Keep it friendly

    A smile and a thank you make it easy for them to say yes.

    What you might want to sayFinally.

    Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“Finally” is a dig, even after they did it. “Thanks so much” thanks them for it.

    What might land betterThanks so much. I appreciate it.

    Respect, even when angry ›

  5. Ask staff, if there are any

    In a quiet car, a library or a theater, staff can help.

    What you might want to sayCan you do something about these people?

    Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“These people” lumps them together. Asking staff for a quiet-car reminder keeps it about the rule.

    What might land betterWould you mind reminding everyone this is the quiet car? Thanks.

  6. Let it go if they don’t

    If they won’t, moving seats is usually easier than a standoff.

    Cool down, then talk ›

The common mistake

Glaring instead of asking

Sighing loudly or staring can feel like enough, but they may never notice, and you stay annoyed. One polite sentence is easier, and usually works.

Honest and hearable ›

If it doesn’t go the way you hoped

What they might say, and what you could say back.

If they sayIt’s a public place.

You could sayIt is. I’m only asking for a little lower, if you don’t mind.

If they sayMind your own business.

You could sayOkay. Have a good day.

If they sayOh, sorry! I didn’t realize.

You could sayNo worries at all. Thanks so much.

Putting it together

The whole message, before and after.

What you might want to saySome of us are trying to have some peace and quiet here.

Porcupine · A clear, doable requestA polite opener, one specific ask and a thank you. It’s quick, and easy to say yes to.

What might land betterExcuse me, would you mind turning your music down a little? It’s coming through pretty loud. Thanks so much.

Run a Quills Check on yours

Write what you want to say, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.

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Common questions

What if it’s a group?

Ask whoever seems to be leading, or speak to the group lightly: “Sorry to interrupt, could you keep it down a little?”

What if they’re on a phone call?

A quiet “Sorry, it’s a bit loud” is usually enough. Many people don’t realize how far their voice carries.

What about kids being loud?

Kids are often louder than their parents notice. In a quiet space, a polite word to the adult is fine. Elsewhere, it may be worth letting go.

Know someone this would help?

Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.

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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).