Principles › Saying it
Saying it
Respect, even when angry
The anger can stay. Contempt, sarcasm and attacks go.
For example
What someone might writeOh great, another “emergency” kept you at work late tonight. Must be nice to have such an important job.
What the other person readsYou stayed late at work again tonight, and I’m frustrated.
How Porcupine uses it
- Porcupine takes out insults, sarcasm, mockery and swearing at the other person.
- It starts with what happened and how it felt.
- It turns “you” accusations into what you experienced.
- Your frustration can stay, in your own words.
In practice
Open with what you noticed and how you feel, not an accusation.
Sarcasm, name-calling and mockery signal disrespect, whatever the words say.
Take out the accusation, not the word: “you said you’d call” is fine, “you don’t care” isn’t. Say what happened and how it felt.
Why it helps
Anger says “this matters to me.” Contempt says “you’re beneath me.” The first can be heard; the second makes listening much harder. Sarcasm, mockery and insults signal disrespect whatever the words say, and across many studies of couples, hostility during conflict went with unhappier relationships. Porcupine keeps the feeling and removes the attack, so the message still sounds like someone who’s upset, because they are.
What we don’t know yet
Much of this research is about couples, and some of it comes from one lab whose predictions of divorce weren’t tested on new groups of couples. A review of 64 studies from many labs points the same way, and so do experiments with adults in general, though the one on “I” language used written scenarios rather than real arguments, and its openers also acknowledged the other person’s view. So it may be leaving out the blame that helps, more than the word “I”. That’s why Porcupine takes the blame out rather than turning every sentence into “I feel”.
See it in a conversation
- How to ask your partner for more help at homePartners
- How to ask for a second dateDating
- How to message your co-parent about a schedule changeCo-parents
- How to stay friends with your exExes
- How to set a boundary with your parents as an adultParents and adult children
- How to tell a friend they hurt youFriends
The research
Studied with couples
A meta-analysis of 64 studies of couples’ conflicts, from many research groups, found that hostility during conflict went with lower relationship satisfaction, while problem solving and warmth went with higher satisfaction.
Studied with couples
In a 14-year study of couples, negative emotion during conflict predicted which couples divorced early, and a lack of positive emotion predicted which divorced later.
More research
Studied with adults in general
In three experiments, people who were treated rudely, even by a third party or only in their imagination, did worse on routine and creative tasks and were less helpful afterward.
Studied with couples
In a study of newlyweds, how the first three minutes of a conflict conversation went predicted which couples later divorced.
Studied with couples
Contempt, along with criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, was one of the conflict patterns that predicted relationship breakdown in Gottman’s long-term studies of couples.
Studied with couples
In couples’ problem-solving conversations, more “you” language went with more negative interaction, and more “we” language with more positive interaction.
Studied with adults in general
In an experiment with written scenarios, people judged conflict openers that used “I” language, and that acknowledged the other person’s view, as less likely to make the listener defensive.
Library last updated October 2026.