Guide · Any relationship
How to calm down an argument before it gets worse
Arguments speed up fast. Here’s how to slow one down.
Slow down
Speak more slowly and more quietly. It’s hard to keep shouting at someone who isn’t.
Cool down, then talk ›Say back what you heard
Feeling heard can take the heat out of it.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayThat’s not what I said and you know it!
Porcupine · Reflect back first“And you know it!” pushes back. Saying back what you heard, and checking, slows it down.
What might land betterSo you felt left out of the decision. Is that right?
Drop the sarcasm
A jab feels good for a second and makes everything after it harder.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayOh, sure, because you’re always so reasonable.
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“Because you’re always so reasonable” is sarcasm. Naming your frustration, and asking to slow down, says it straight.
What might land betterI’m getting frustrated. Can we slow down?
Find something you agree on
A goal you share is a reminder that you’re on the same side.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayYou just want to win.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“You just want to win” makes them the opponent. Wanting the weekend to go well is a goal you both have.
What might land betterWe both want this weekend to go well.
Try again
A reset line can change the moment. It isn’t giving in.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayWhatever. You know what I meant.
Porcupine · Repair attempts“You know what I meant” asks them to fill in the gap. “That came out wrong. Can I try again?” fills it yourself.
What might land betterThat came out wrong. Can I try again?
Take a break if you need one
Say when you’ll come back: “I need twenty minutes. Can we pick this up after dinner?”
Cool down, then talk ›If it doesn’t calm down
It’s okay to stop for now. Say when you’ll come back to it, and pick it up when you’re both calmer.
Cool down, then talk ›
The common mistake
Trying to settle it while you’re both heated
When you’re both worked up, it’s hard to hear anything, and pushing to finish it now can make it worse. Pausing and coming back is often how an argument actually gets settled.
Cool down, then talk ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayDon’t tell me to calm down!
You could sayYou’re right, that wasn’t helpful. I’m trying to slow myself down, too.
If they sayYou’re just trying to avoid it.
You could sayI’m not. I want to finish this, and I want to do it well. Can we pick it up after dinner?
If they sayFine. Walk away, like always.
You could sayI’m not leaving it. I’ll be back in twenty minutes, and we’ll keep talking.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayThat’s not what I said and you know it! You always twist my words!
Porcupine · Repair attemptsSlowing down, saying back what you heard and checking it. It turns down the heat, and turns toward them.
What might land betterHold on, let me slow down. So you felt left out of the decision about the trip. Is that right? I didn’t mean to leave you out.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they won’t calm down?
You can only slow down your side. Say you’ll take a break, and when you’ll come back to it.
What if I’m the one who’s too angry?
Say so: “I’m too worked up to talk well right now. Can we pick this up in twenty minutes?” That’s a calm thing to do.
Is it okay to walk away?
Yes, if you say when you’ll come back. Leaving without a word can feel like the end of the conversation, not a pause.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineIf it’s happening in Porcupine, I’ll suggest a pause when things heat up, and help you find a calmer next line.
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- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).