Guide · Dating
How to set boundaries in a new relationship
Early on is the easiest time to say what works for you. Here’s how.
Know what matters to you
How often you want to talk, how fast you want to move, time with your friends: get clear on your own limits first.
Honest and hearable ›Say it plainly, and early
A limit said early is easier to say, and easier to hear.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayHaha I mean it’s fine, I just sometimes kind of like having my own nights, if that’s okay?
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, request“Haha… if that’s okay?” makes a need sound like a favor. “I really like seeing you, and I also need” holds both.
What might land betterI really like seeing you, and I also need a couple of nights a week to myself. I wanted to say that early.
Keep it about you, not them
A need is about you. A label is about them.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou’re kind of clingy.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Clingy” puts a name on them. Time to yourself is something you can ask for without one.
What might land betterI need a bit of time to myself.
Ask about theirs
Boundaries run both ways. Ask what matters to them, and say back what you heard.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayAnyway, that’s my thing.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“Anyway, that’s my thing” ends the topic with yours. Asking about theirs makes it a two-way talk.
What might land betterWhat about you? Is there anything that matters to you?
Notice how they respond
How someone treats a small boundary early on tells you a lot. Pay attention to it.
Check before assuming ›Hold it kindly
If they push, you can understand their disappointment and still keep the boundary.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayOkay, fine, come over again tonight.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Okay, fine, come over again” lets the limit slide. Saturday for them, tonight for you, keeps both.
What might land betterI’d love to see you Saturday. Tonight I’m staying in.
If you’re not sure it was heard
Check in a little later: “Has my having a couple of nights to myself been okay for you?” It shows you meant it, and gives them room to say how it’s going.
Check before assuming ›
The common mistake
Going along with everything to seem easygoing
Early on, it’s tempting to agree to everything so you don’t seem difficult. But what you don’t say now gets harder to say later. Saying it early is part of getting to know each other.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI thought you liked spending time with me.
You could sayI do, a lot. I also need some nights to myself. Both are true.
If they sayThat seems like a lot of rules.
You could sayIt’s really just one or two things. I’d love to hear yours too.
If they sayWe’ll see how it goes.
You could saySounds good. Let’s check in after a few weeks.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayHaha I mean it’s fine, I just sometimes kind of like having my own nights, if that’s okay?
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, requestWhat you like, what you need, why you’re saying it now and a question about theirs. It’s a limit and an invitation at once.
What might land betterI really like seeing you, and I also need a couple of nights a week to myself. I wanted to say that early. What about you? Is there anything that matters to you?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to the person you’re dating, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
Is it too early to set boundaries?
No. Early is easiest, before habits form. A light, clear sentence is enough.
What if they take it personally?
Say what it’s about: “It’s how I recharge, not anything about you.” Then let what you do back it up.
What kinds of boundaries are normal?
How often you talk, how fast things move, time with friends, money. Anything that matters to you is fair to say.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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Related guides
- How to set a boundary with your parents as an adultParents and adult children
- How to set a boundary with your in-lawsIn-laws
- How to set a boundary with a friendFriends
- How to set boundaries at workManagers and employees
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).