Guide · In-laws
How to set a boundary with your in-laws
Get on the same page with your partner first. Then here’s how to ask for what you need, kindly and clearly.
Talk with your partner first
Agree on what you’re asking for, and who will say it. Sometimes it’s easier coming from the person whose family it is.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayYour mom is driving me crazy. Fix it.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“Fix it” hands your partner the problem. Saying how her comments have been landing, and wanting to be on the same page, makes it yours to solve together.
What might land betterCould we talk about how your mom’s comments on bedtime have been landing for me? I’d like us to be on the same page.
Pick one specific thing
“Stop interfering” is hard to act on. A specific request is clear.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou need to stop telling us how to raise our kids.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Stop telling us how to raise our kids” covers everything. Bedtime and screens are two calls you can name, after their love for the kids.
What might land betterWe know how much you love the kids. We’d like to make the calls on bedtime and screens ourselves.
Say why it matters
If you need time as a family, or to feel trusted with your own choices, say so.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayBecause it’s our house.
Porcupine · Interests, not positions“Because it’s our house” is about who’s in charge. Feeling trusted as parents is the reason, and one they can understand.
What might land betterWe’d like to feel trusted to make our own calls as parents.
Let your partner lead with their family
Your in-laws may take it better from their own child. They may also mean well, or be used to doing things another way. You can say so and still ask for the change.
Stay open ›Keep it respectful
Frustration is fair. Sarcasm and old grievances make it about the fight instead of the request.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayMaybe if you’d done better with your own kids…
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“If you’d done better with your own kids” is a jab at their parenting. Acknowledging it’s hard to hear, and keeping the ask, keeps it about bedtime and screens.
What might land betterI know this is hard to hear. We’d still like to decide this ourselves.
Stay calm if they push back
You don’t have to settle it on the spot. You can say you’ll talk again later.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayThis is exactly what I’m talking about!
Porcupine · Pause when flooded“This is exactly what I’m talking about!” raises the heat when it’s already high. A break, and another time to talk, gives you both a chance to cool down.
What might land betterLet’s take a break and talk about it another time.
If it takes time
Family habits can take a while to change. Holding the line kindly, together with your partner, is part of it.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Complaining instead of asking
Telling your partner, again and again, how much their parents bother you can leave them stuck in the middle with nothing to act on. Agree together on one clear request instead.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWe’re just trying to help.
You could sayI know you are, and we appreciate it. We’d still like to decide this one ourselves.
If they sayWe raised three kids just fine.
You could sayYou did, and we ask your advice sometimes. On this, we’d like to do it our way.
If they saySo we’re not welcome anymore?
You could sayOf course you are. We love having you here. This is about one thing.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYou need to stop telling us how to raise our kids.
Porcupine · Interests, not positionsTheir love for the kids, the two things you’d like to decide, and why: being trusted as parents. Each part is kind, and the ask is still clear.
What might land betterWe know how much you love the kids, and they love time with you. We’d like to make the calls on bedtime and screens ourselves. It matters to us to feel trusted as parents.
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Common questions
What if my partner won’t back me up?
Talk with them first, in private, about what matters and why. A boundary with in-laws is much harder to hold without your partner.
Should I say it, or should my partner?
Often it’s easier coming from their own child. Agree together who will say it, and stand together either way.
What if they get offended?
Give them time. You can say you know they mean well, and keep the boundary.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Related guides
- How to set a boundary with your parents as an adultParents and adult children
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- How to set boundaries in a new relationshipDating
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).