Guide · Co-parents
How to split the kids’ expenses with your co-parent
Here’s how to agree on who pays for what, and keep it businesslike.
Stick to the facts
The expense, the amount, the date, and a receipt if you have one.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to saySoccer was expensive, as usual.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“As usual” is a complaint about the past. The cost and the date are what matter now.
What might land betterSoccer registration is $240, due March 1.
Keep it brief and neutral
Short, specific and calm.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayOf course I’m stuck paying for soccer again. You never chip in for anything.
Porcupine · Skip “always” and “never”“Of course I’m stuck” and “you never chip in” are about them. The amount, their half and a receipt are about soccer.
What might land betterSoccer registration is $240, due March 1. Could you send your half, $120, by then? Receipt attached.
Check before big expenses
For anything large, like camp or braces, agree before you commit, not after.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayI signed them up for camp. You owe me $600.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“You owe me $600” is a bill they had no say in. Asking before you sign up makes it a decision you share.
What might land betterSummer camp is $1,200 for two weeks. Would you be okay splitting it before I sign them up?
Set up a simple system
A shared spreadsheet or co-parenting app, a regular day to settle up, and an amount above which you check first.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayJust pay me when I ask.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Pay me when I ask” puts it all on your timing. A shared spreadsheet, settled on the 1st, is a system you both use.
What might land betterCould we use a shared spreadsheet, and settle up on the 1st of each month?
Keep the kids out of it
Don’t discuss who owes what in front of the kids, or ask them to pass along requests.
Ask, don’t pressure ›Put agreements in writing
A short confirmation of what you’ve agreed keeps everyone on the same page.
What you might want to sayOk.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Ok” leaves the details unsaid. One line with what’s split, and the $100 check, gives you both the same record.
What might land betterConfirming: we’ll split soccer and camp evenly, and check before anything over $100.
If your parenting plan covers it
Start from what your parenting plan or support order says. A family lawyer or mediator can help with anything it doesn’t settle.
Safety first ›
The common mistake
Bringing up old debts
Mixing this expense with what they still owe from last year turns a simple request into an argument about the past. Keep each request about one cost.
Ask, don’t pressure ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWhy didn’t you ask me first?
You could sayFair point. From now on, I’ll check before anything over $100.
If they sayI already pay child support.
You could sayUnderstood. Let’s check what our plan says about activities, and go from there.
If they sayI can’t pay that right now.
You could sayOkay. Could you pay $60 now and $60 by April 1?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayOf course I’m stuck paying for soccer again. You never chip in for anything.
Porcupine · A clear, doable requestThe cost, half of it, a date, a receipt and one rule for next time. It’s about the money, and it asks for nothing but an answer.
What might land betterSoccer registration is $240, due March 1. Could you send your half, $120, by then? Receipt attached. Also, could we agree to check with each other before anything over $100?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your co-parent, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What counts as a shared expense?
Often school costs, activities, medical bills and big items like a laptop. Your parenting plan may list them. If not, agree on a list.
What if they won’t pay their share?
Send one brief reminder with the amount, date and receipt. If it keeps happening, your parenting plan or a mediator can help.
Should we split everything evenly?
Some co-parents split evenly, some by income. Whatever you agree, write it down.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).