Guide · Co-parents
How to plan the holidays with your co-parent
Here’s how to settle the holiday schedule early, briefly and in writing.
Start early, before it gets tense
Bring it up weeks ahead, not days. Last-minute plans leave little room for anyone.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to saySo what are we doing for Christmas? It’s next week.
Porcupine · Soft start-up“It’s next week” leaves almost no room. Mid-November gives you both time to plan.
What might land betterCould we settle winter break plans by mid-November?
Keep it brief and specific
Dates, times and who has the kids. Leave out the history.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayYou always get Christmas. It’s my turn, and the kids want to be with me anyway.
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“You always get Christmas” keeps score, and “the kids want to be with me” brings them in. Dates for each home, and switching next year, ask for what you want fairly.
What might land betterFor winter break, could the kids be with me December 24 to 27, and with you December 28 to January 2? Happy to switch next year.
Offer options
Alternating years, splitting the day, or trading holidays. Options make it easier to say yes.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayI want Christmas. End of discussion.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“End of discussion” leaves one option. Alternating years or splitting the day gives them two to choose from.
What might land betterWould you rather alternate years, or split Christmas Day at noon?
Keep the kids out of the middle
Don’t ask the kids to choose, or pass messages through them. If a child has said something about the holidays the other parent should know, share it plainly.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayThe kids told me they want Christmas with me, not you.
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“Not you” turns what the kids said into a weapon. Passing on that they’d love to see their cousins is the same news, without the sting.
What might land betterThe kids mentioned they’d love to see their cousins on the 25th, so I wanted to pass that on.
Leave last year out of it
Old grievances turn a calendar question into a fight. Stick to this year’s dates.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayAfter what you pulled last year…
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“After what you pulled last year” reopens last year. “For this year” keeps it to the calendar.
What might land betterFor this year, could the kids be with me the 24th to the 27th?
Put the plan in writing
Once it’s agreed, send a short summary with dates, times and who’s driving.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayFine, whatever.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Fine, whatever” agrees without settling anything. The confirmation spells out each stretch and the noon drop-off, so you’re both working from the same plan.
What might land betterConfirming: the kids are with me December 24 to 27 and with you December 28 to January 2. I’ll drop them off at noon on the 28th.
If you have a parenting plan or court order
If it already sets the holidays, start from that. Changing it is a legal question, and a family lawyer or mediator can help.
Safety first ›
The common mistake
Leaving it until the week before
Waiting until plans are urgent turns a calendar question into a fight, with the kids caught in the uncertainty. Settling it early, in writing, takes the pressure off everyone.
Cool down, then talk ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayThe kids always spend Christmas with my family.
You could sayI know that’s mattered to them. Could we alternate years, starting with you this year?
If they sayI’ll think about it.
You could sayThanks. Could you let me know by November 15, so we can both plan?
If they sayNo.
You could sayOkay. What would work for you? I’m open to other options.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYou always get Christmas. It’s my turn, and the kids want to be with me anyway.
Porcupine · A clear, doable requestDates for each of you, an offer to switch next year and a date to answer by. Nothing in it asks them to agree about the past.
What might land betterFor winter break, could the kids be with me December 24 to 27, and with you December 28 to January 2? I’m happy to switch next year. Could you let me know by November 15?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your co-parent, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
When should we start planning?
Early fall for the winter holidays. Earlier is easier for everyone, including the kids.
What if we both want the same day?
Alternate years, or split the day. Write down the pattern, so it doesn’t need deciding again.
Should the kids get a say?
You can listen to what they’d like, especially as they get older. The decision stays with the two of you.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineWhen they reply, I’ll help you answer briefly and fairly, and keep the plan about the kids.
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Just your email. How we handle it
More for the season
- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).