Guide · Friends
What to do when a friendship feels one-sided
Always being the one who reaches out gets tiring. Here’s how to talk about it.
Check before you assume
They may be going through something, or not have noticed the pattern. Ask how they’re doing.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayI guess you’re too busy for me now.
Porcupine · Actions, not motives“Too busy for me” guesses why. “How have you been?” asks.
What might land betterHow have you been? It’s been a while since we really talked.
Say how it feels
Missing them is easier to hear than an accusation.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayI guess I’m the only one who cares about this friendship.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“The only one who cares” is a charge. Reaching out, and missing them, is what you’ve noticed and how it feels.
What might land betterI’ve noticed I’m usually the one reaching out lately, and I’ve been missing you.
Skip the scorekeeping
A tally of who texted last turns it into a contest. Talk about the pattern, not the count.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayI’ve texted you the last five times.
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“I’ve texted you the last five times” asks them to answer for each one. “I’d love it to go both ways” looks ahead instead.
What might land betterIt feels like I’ve been the one making plans lately, and I’d love it to go both ways.
Hear their side
There may be something you didn’t know about. Let them tell you.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayYou always have an excuse.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“You always have an excuse” rules out a real reason. “Has something been going on?” lets them tell you.
What might land betterHas something been going on? I’d like to know.
Ask for something specific
“Could you pick the next plan?” is easier to act on than “Make more of an effort.”
Honest and hearable ›If nothing changes
You can decide how much to keep reaching out. A lighter friendship can still be a good one, and the choice is yours.
Their words, their choice ›
The common mistake
Waiting until you resent them
It’s easy to let it build until one more unanswered text tips you over, and then it all comes out at once. Bringing it up while you still miss them, rather than resent them, makes it easier to hear.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI didn’t realize you felt that way.
You could sayI hadn’t said it until now. I’m glad we’re talking.
If they sayI’m just not much of a texter.
You could sayThat’s fair. Would a call now and then work better for you?
If they saySo it’s my fault?
You could sayNo, I’m not trying to blame you. I miss you, and I’d like it to feel more two-way.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayI guess I’m the only one who ever makes plans. Let me know if you ever feel like hanging out.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“The only one who ever makes plans” keeps score. Missing them, checking they’re okay and asking them to pick next time says the same thing with care.
What might land betterI’ve noticed I’m usually the one reaching out lately, and I’ve been missing you. Is everything okay? Could you pick the next plan?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your friend, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they say they’ve just been busy?
That may be true. Ask what would work for them, like a short call instead of a night out.
Should I stop reaching out to see if they notice?
A test like that can backfire if they don’t know it’s a test. It’s usually clearer to say what you’ve noticed.
What if nothing changes?
You can decide how much to keep reaching out. A lighter friendship can still be a good one.
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Find the words with Porcupine
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From the data
- How much time people spend with friends, and how it’s changed since 2003Who fills your day?
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).