Guide · Friends
How to tell a friend you’ve been feeling left out
Feeling left out can be hard to say out loud. Here’s how to say it as an invitation, not an accusation.
Check before you assume
A missed invitation might be a group chat you weren’t in, or a busy month. Ask before you decide what it means.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayGuess I’m not invited to things anymore. Cool.
Porcupine · Actions, not motives“Guess I’m not invited anymore” decides what it meant. “Did I miss a message?” leaves room for a reason you haven’t heard.
What might land betterI saw the photos from Saturday and felt a bit left out. Did I miss a message?
Name the feeling
Saying how you feel says more than a list of things you weren’t part of.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayYou all clearly have your own thing now.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“You all clearly have your own thing” is a conclusion about them. “I’ve missed you” says what’s underneath.
What might land betterI’ve missed you, and I felt a bit left out.
Keep it about what happened
Talk about the specific times, not about what kind of friend they are.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou’re the kind of friend who forgets people.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“The kind of friend who forgets people” is a label. Two get-togethers you heard about afterward is what happened.
What might land betterThe last two times you all got together, I didn’t hear about it until after.
Hear their side
There may be something you didn’t know: a new job, a hard stretch, or an assumption that you’d say no.
Understand before answering ›Suggest a plan
A specific invitation is easier to say yes to than a complaint.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayYou could at least pretend you still want to hang out.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“At least pretend” is a dig. Dinner next week is a yes they can give.
What might land betterI’d love to see you more. Want to get dinner next week?
Own your part, if you have one
If you’ve been hard to reach too, say so. It makes it a two-way conversation.
Own your part ›What you might want to sayWell, at least I make an effort.
Porcupine · Own your part“At least I make an effort” keeps score. Naming the few things you turned down makes room for their side.
What might land betterI know I’ve turned down a few things lately too.
If the friendship is changing
Friendships shift with new jobs, moves and families. Staying close in a different way can be a good outcome too.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Pulling away to make a point
Going quiet so they’ll notice you’re hurt rarely gets you what you want. They may not notice, or may think you’ve lost interest. Saying it plainly gives them a chance to make it right.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWe didn’t think you’d want to come.
You could sayI’d love to be asked, even if I sometimes say no.
If they sayIt was a last-minute thing.
You could sayThat makes sense. I’d still love a text next time, even last minute.
If they sayYou’re reading too much into it.
You could sayMaybe. I wanted to say it rather than let it build up. I’ve missed you.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayGuess I’m not invited to things anymore. Cool. Hope you all had fun.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“Cool. Hope you all had fun” hides the hurt under a shrug. The photos, how it felt, a question and a dinner plan say all of it, and invite them back in.
What might land betterI saw the photos from Saturday and felt a bit left out. Did I miss a message? I’ve missed you, and I’d love to see you more. Want to get dinner next week?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your friend, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they did leave me out on purpose?
Ask gently what’s changed. It may be something you can talk about, or a sign the friendship is shifting, which is worth knowing too.
Is it petty to bring up?
Not if it’s on your mind. Saying it kindly is better than pulling away without saying why.
Should I bring it up with the group or one friend?
Start with one friend you’re close to. A group chat is a hard place for this kind of talk.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).