What’s Your Conflict Style? › The Chameleon and the Untangler
Conflict styles, together
The Chameleon and the Untangler
One wants to talk it through every time. The other may want that, or may not.
A free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
Where it works
There’s always someone willing to go toward it, and the shifting side can join in when it helps.
Where it trips
“Can we talk?” can get a different answer each time. That can feel like mixed messages when you need to know where things stand.
How each can be misread
ChameleonNot tonight.
- Can mean
- Another day is better.
- Can read as
- You don’t care.
UntanglerCan we talk?
- Can mean
- I want us to be okay.
- Can read as
- We have a problem.
How it can go
Going back to something from last week
UntanglerLast time we talked it all out. Can we do that tonight?
ChameleonNot tonight.
UntanglerBut it helped last time.
Porcupine“Not tonight” might only be about tonight. “It helped last time” may be a hope, not pressure. It could sound like either.
Why it helps: Check before assuming › Free tool · What does this text mean?Got a message like this?Paste it in to see a few ways it could be read, and what you could say back. We don’t save it.Check a textOne thing each can try
The Chameleon
Say no to the time, not the talk.
Not tonight. Saturday morning?
Why it helps: Honest and hearable ›The Untangler
Ask what this one needs.
Do you want to talk this one through, or leave it?
Why it helps: Ask, don’t pressure ›After a fight
Style is only half of it. Two people can want different things afterward: one wants to talk tonight, and the other needs a day. Neither is wrong. Say it out loud: “Here’s what I need after a fight. What do you need?”
Know a pair like this?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore on these styles
- The ChameleonNo one style stood out, and your choices moved around.
- The UntanglerYou can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
- The seven conflict stylesSeven ways people handle a disagreement, and five ways they come back from it.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).