What’s Your Conflict Style? › The Chameleon
Conflict styles
The Chameleon
No one style stood out, and your choices moved around.
A conflict chameleon has no one go-to move: speaking up with some people, letting it go with others, with no one style standing out.
Find your conflict styleA free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
What it looks like
One person, three moments, three different moves.
With a friend · They borrowed your car and brought it back with the tank empty.
Text them the minute you see the gauge. You’re annoyed, and they’ll know it.
The Firecracker
With family · A parent rearranges your kitchen on every visit.
Learn where everything goes now. They’re trying to help.
The Peacekeeper
At work · A coworker keeps leaving you off the emails about your project.
Forward the emails you missed, with the dates, and ask why.
The Case Maker
How it lands
What it does well
You have more than one way of handling things.
Where it trips
Someone who knows one of your ways may be thrown by another.
One thing to try
Porcupine · a tipWhen you handle it differently than usual, say so.
Instead ofWhatever. It’s fine.
TryI’d usually let this go, but this one matters to me.
A guide that may help: How to handle a family disagreement at the holidays ›
With other styles
It depends on which way they get. Someone used to you speaking up may be thrown when you let one go. Someone who mostly sees you let things go may be surprised when you don’t.
The Chameleon with each style
Where each pairing works, where it trips, and one thing each can try.
If someone handles it like this
If someone handles things differently with you than with other people, you may be seeing another of their ways, not how they feel about you.
Compare with what’s usual
Read this time against how it usually goes between you, not on its own.
A new way isn’t always a new feeling
A different day or a different topic can change how anyone handles it.
Ask if it’s new
If something has changed lately, a plain check-in is fair.
If they sayActually, this one bothers me.
Porcupine · a tipIt may be different from usual. Ask, rather than guessing why.
You could sayThanks for telling me. What’s different about this one?
Common questions
What is a conflict chameleon?
No one go-to move: speaking up with one person and letting it go with the next, with no one style standing out.
Is it normal to handle disagreements differently with different people?
Yes. Most people’s choices move with who it is, what it’s about and what’s at stake.
Am I a conflict chameleon?
If what you do shifts a lot from one person to the next, maybe. The quiz gives you twelve everyday moments and shows whether one style stands out, in about three minutes.
Know someone this sounds like?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore from Porcupine
All seven styles
- The FirecrackerQuick to light, quick to fizzle out.
- The UntanglerYou can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
- The PeacekeeperYou’ll give a lot to keep things good between you.
- The Quiet OneWhen it gets hard, you go quiet.
- The Case MakerYou have your facts straight, and you came prepared.
- The Deal MakerYou’d rather both get something than argue all night.
- The ChameleonNo one style stood out, and your choices moved around.
The five ways back
A way back is what you need after a fight. It goes with any of the seven styles.
- Talk It ThroughYou need to go back over it until you both understand.
- Sorry FirstYou’re the first to say sorry.
- Give It TimeYou need space before you can come back to it.
- Back to NormalA joke, a coffee, and it’s over.
- Fix ItYou want to know what’s different next time.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).