What’s Your Conflict Style? › The Quiet One and the Untangler
Conflict styles, together
The Quiet One and the Untangler
One goes toward it. The other goes quiet. The more one reaches, the further the other can go.
A free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
Where it works
One makes sure things get talked about, and the other brings thought and calm when it’s time.
Where it trips
“Can we talk?” can feel like pressure, so the quiet goes deeper, and the quiet can feel like being shut out, so the asking goes on.
How each can be misread
Quiet OneI can’t right now.
- Can mean
- Not yet.
- Can read as
- Not ever.
UntanglerWe need to figure this out.
- Can mean
- I want us to be okay.
- Can read as
- You’re in trouble.
How it can go
An argument that didn’t finish
UntanglerCan we please talk? We need to figure this out.
Quiet OneI can’t right now.
UntanglerWhen, then? Why won’t you talk to me?
Porcupine“I can’t right now” might only be about right now. “Why won’t you talk to me?” may mean “I’m worried about us.” Each could be hearing something else.
Why it helps: Check before assuming › Free tool · Is this text dry?Got a message like this?Paste it in to see a few ways it could be read, and what you could say back. We don’t save it.Check a textOne thing each can try
The Quiet One
Say when you’ll be back, and come back.
I can’t tonight. I’ll be ready tomorrow after work.
Why it helps: Honest and hearable ›The Untangler
Ask when, and then give it room.
Okay. Tell me when you’re ready. I can wait.
Why it helps: Ask, don’t pressure ›After a fight
Style is only half of it. Two people can want different things afterward: one wants to talk tonight, and the other needs a day. Neither is wrong. Say it out loud: “Here’s what I need after a fight. What do you need?”
Know a pair like this?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore on these styles
- The Quiet OneWhen it gets hard, you go quiet.
- The UntanglerYou can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
- The seven conflict stylesSeven ways people handle a disagreement, and five ways they come back from it.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).