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Guides · The holidays
Get through the holidays with your family, without a fight
Most holiday fights start weeks before anyone sits down to eat. Here’s help with each talk, in the order they usually come up, for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever your family celebrates.
Before: settle the plans early
Who goes where, who hosts and what you’ll spend. Settled early, they make the day itself calmer.
- How to decide whose family to spend the holidays withWhen two families both want you on the same day.
- How to plan the holidays with your co-parentWho has the kids when, settled early and in writing.
- How to tell your family you’re not coming home for the holidaysSay it early, and say what you’ll miss.
- How to decline an invitation from your in-lawsA warm no to a visit or a trip.
- How to tell your family you want to cut back on giftsSpend less without seeming to care less.
- How to plan a family event with your siblingsShare the hosting without old roles taking over.
- How to talk to your siblings about splitting costsWho pays for what, agreed up front.
- How to ask grandparents to respect your parenting rulesKeep the few rules that matter during the visit.
At the table: keep it kind
At Thanksgiving dinner or any holiday meal, you can’t choose what comes up. You can choose what you take up, and how.
- How to handle a family disagreement at the holidaysPolitics and old grudges, without a scene.
- How to respond to an intrusive question“So when are you two getting married?”
- How to respond to unsolicited advice from your in-lawsThank them without promising to take it.
- How to calm down an argument before it gets worseSlow it down before it gets loud.
- What to do when a family member keeps bringing up the pastWhen the same old story comes out again.
After: patch things up
If something went wrong, a short, honest message soon after helps. So does thanking the people who made it good.
- How to apologize without making excusesFor the thing you said at dinner.
- How to make up with your sibling after a fightSomeone has to reach out first.
- How to talk to your partner about their familyTalk over a hard visit as a team.
- How to tell your family you’ve been feeling left outIf the holidays left you feeling like an outsider.
- How to tell someone you appreciate themA thank you that says what it meant.
When to have each talk
- Early fall
- If you share kids, settle the holiday schedule with your co-parent.
- Early November
- Decide whose family you’ll see for Thanksgiving and the winter holidays, tell anyone you won’t, and agree on gifts before the shopping starts.
- The week before
- Talk with grandparents about the kids’ rules, and decide which topics you’ll let pass at the table.
- On the day
- Listen first, step out for air if you need it, and change the subject kindly.
- The week after
- Apologize for anything you regret, reach out to anyone you fell out with, and say thank you.
Have a kind answer ready
What someone might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou’re just too sensitive these days.
Porcupine · a tipYou don’t have to settle whether you’re too sensitive. You can grant that it might be so and still leave the topic.
You could sayMaybe. I’d still rather not argue about it today.
If they sayWhy are you being so secretive?
Porcupine · a tipA short, friendly no and a new topic. You don’t owe anyone an explanation at the table.
You could sayI just keep some things to myself. How’s work been?
If they sayI’m just saying, in my day…
Porcupine · a tipAgreeing that times were different isn’t agreeing with the advice. It ends the debate kindly.
You could sayThings were different then. We’re happy with how it’s going.
If they sayGrandparents are supposed to spoil them.
Porcupine · a tipSaying yes to their part first makes the one rule easier to hear.
You could sayAbsolutely, and I want you to. Later bedtimes, extra stories, all of it. Just not candy before dinner.
If they sayYour grandmother won’t be around forever.
Porcupine · a tipThere may be guilt in it, and love too. Answer the love, and offer something real.
You could sayI know, and I’d love to see her. Could I visit in January, and call her on the day?
If they sayIs everything okay with money?
Porcupine · a tipThey may be worried about you. Thank them and keep it short. You don’t owe the details.
You could sayThanks for checking. I just want to spend less this year.
Run a Quills Check on your holiday message
Write the text you’ve been putting off, about plans, gifts or who goes where, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
How do you avoid arguments with family at Thanksgiving and the holidays?
Settle the big questions, like who goes where and what you’ll spend, weeks ahead. On the day, decide which topics you’ll let pass, listen before you answer, and step out for air if it heats up.
How do couples split the holidays between two families?
Common ways are taking turns by year, splitting the day, hosting both families, or giving each family a different holiday. Decide together before either family asks, and tell them as a team.
How do you say no to a holiday invitation without hurting anyone?
Say it early and warmly, keep the reason short and true, say what you’ll miss, and offer another time to see them.
What if someone asks a personal question at dinner?
You can answer briefly, or not at all: “Nothing to share yet. How’s the new job?” You don’t owe anyone an explanation at the table.
How early should you plan the holidays with family?
For Thanksgiving and the winter holidays, settle who goes where by early November. If you share kids with a co-parent, start in early fall. Earlier is easier for everyone.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineWhen the holidays get hard, I’ll help with the whole conversation: their reply, getting ready to say it in person, and what to say if it heats up.
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