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Guide · Parents and adult children
How to talk to your adult child without arguing
Your role changes when your kids grow up. Here’s how to talk in a way that keeps the door open.
Ask before you advise
Asking first lets them choose, and makes them more likely to hear what you say.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayHere’s what you should do.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“Here’s what you should do” decides they want advice. Asking first, thoughts or just listening, respects that it’s their life.
What might land betterDo you want my thoughts, or would you like me to just listen?
Listen more than you talk
Say back what you heard before adding your view.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayWell, when I was your age…
Porcupine · Reflect back first“When I was your age” moves the talk to you. Saying back that the job’s been draining them keeps it on them.
What might land betterSo the job’s been draining you. That sounds hard.
Say what’s underneath your worry
Worry and love are easier to hear than a verdict on their choices.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayYou’re making a huge mistake moving across the country for someone you barely know.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“A huge mistake” and “barely know” are verdicts on their choice. Saying you’ll miss them, and want them happy, starts with the love behind the worry.
What might land betterI’m worried because I’ll miss you, and I want you to be happy. Can you tell me more about the move?
Respect that it’s their choice
You can share your view and still accept that they decide.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayFine, but don’t come crying to me.
Porcupine · Accept what won’t change“Don’t come crying to me” is a warning dressed as permission. “It’s your call, and I’m here either way” means it.
What might land betterIt’s your call, and I’m here either way.
Talk about what happened, not who they are
“You missed Sunday dinner twice” is easier to talk about than “You never make time for family.”
Describe, don’t diagnose ›Let some things go
You won’t agree on everything. Choosing what’s worth raising leaves room for the conversations that matter most.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Bringing up the past in every disagreement
Old mistakes, theirs or yours, can creep into a talk about something new. It turns one conversation into a review of the whole relationship. Keep to the thing in front of you.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou always do this.
You could sayMaybe I do. I’ll try to just listen. Tell me more.
If they sayI’m an adult. I can decide for myself.
You could sayYou’re right, you can. I’m not trying to decide for you.
If they sayI don’t want to talk about it.
You could sayOkay. I’m here whenever you do.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYou’re making a huge mistake moving across the country for someone you barely know.
Porcupine · Ask real questionsYour worry and love first, then a real question, and a promise you’re not trying to change their mind. That leaves room for them to tell you more.
What might land betterI’m worried because I’ll miss you, and I want you to be happy. Can you tell me more about the move? I’m not trying to change your mind. I’d just like to understand.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if I really think they’re making a mistake?
You can say so once, calmly, as your view, then let them decide. Saying it again and again tends to push them away from you, not from the choice.
What if they don’t call much anymore?
Say you miss them, without a guilt trip: “I miss hearing from you. Could we do a call on Sundays?”
How do I give advice they’ll take?
Ask first whether they want it. Advice they asked for is far easier to hear.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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From the data
- How much of your time with your parents is behind youWho fills your day?
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).