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Guide · Parents and adult children

How to ask grandparents to respect your parenting rules

They love your kids and want to spoil them a little. Here’s how to keep the rules that matter without a standoff.

  1. Pick the few that matter most

    Grandparents doing some things differently is normal, and often part of the fun. Decide which rules you’ll hold to and which you can let go.

    Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›

  2. Talk before the visit, not in the moment

    Correcting them in front of the kids can embarrass them. A quiet call before the visit goes better.

    What you might want to sayMom! What did I literally just say?

    Porcupine · Soft start-up“Mom!” and “literally” correct her mid-moment, with everyone there. A call before Saturday puts the same ask somewhere quieter.

    What might land betterBefore we come Saturday, could I talk with you about a couple of things for the kids?

    Cool down, then talk ›

  3. Start with what you appreciate

    Say what they do that you love. It shows this isn’t a criticism of how they love the kids.

    What you might want to sayWe need to talk about how you handle the kids.

    Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“How you handle the kids” sounds like a verdict is coming. “They have you” says what the kids get from her, before any ask.

    What might land betterThe kids love being at your place, and I love that they have you.

    Say what’s underneath ›

  4. Name the rule, not a fault

    Talk about the rule and one short reason for it, not about what kind of grandparent they are.

    What you might want to sayYou’re always undermining me with the candy.

    Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Always undermining me” is a verdict on them. “No candy before dinner, please,” with what happens at bedtime, is something they can say yes to without losing face.

    What might land betterNo candy before dinner, please. They don’t eat, and then bedtime falls apart.

    Describe, don’t diagnose ›

  5. Ask how they see it

    They raised kids too, and may have a reason of their own. Hearing them out makes it easier for them to hear you.

    What you might want to sayTimes have changed. Just do it my way.

    Porcupine · Ask real questions“Just do it my way” closes the talk. “Does that seem doable?” checks with them, and “how you see it” asks for their side.

    What might land betterDoes that seem doable? I’d love to hear how you see it.

    Understand before answering ›

  6. Say where there’s room

    Saying where they can spoil the kids makes the rest easier to keep.

    What you might want to sayFine, I guess the rules don’t count at your house.

    Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“The rules don’t count” gives up on all of them. A later bedtime they can enjoy, and the one rule you’d like to keep, are both clear.

    What might land betterAt your place, a later bedtime is totally fine. It’s just the candy before dinner I’d like to keep.

    Us against the problem ›

  7. If it keeps happening

    Raise it again, calmly and one on one, with the same rule and the same reason. You don’t need a bigger argument, just the same clear ask.

    Honest and hearable ›

The common mistake

Making it about how they raised you

Bringing up your own childhood turns a talk about candy into an old argument. Keep it about the kids, now.

Describe, don’t diagnose ›

If it doesn’t go the way you hoped

What they might say, and what you could say back.

If they sayI raised you just fine.

You could sayYou did, and I’m grateful. This is just one thing that matters to me with mine.

If they sayGrandparents are supposed to spoil them.

You could sayAbsolutely, and I want you to. Later bedtimes, extra stories, all of it. Just not candy before dinner.

If they sayFine. I guess I can’t do anything right.

You could sayThat’s not it at all. You’re wonderful with them. This is one small thing.

Putting it together

The whole message, before and after.

What you might want to sayMom, I’ve told you a hundred times, no candy before dinner. Why do you always undermine me?

Porcupine · Soft start-upIt opens with what you love about them with the kids, then one rule, one reason and where there’s room. Without “a hundred times” and “undermine”, there’s nothing for them to defend.

What might land betterMom, the kids adore being at your place, and I love that they have you. One thing I’d like help with: no candy before dinner, because they don’t eat and then bedtime falls apart. A treat after dinner is totally fine. Could we try that this visit?

Run a Quills Check on yours

Write what you want to say, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.

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Common questions

What if it’s my partner’s parents?

It often lands best coming from their own child. Agree on the rules with your partner first, and back each other up.

Should I let some things go?

Often, yes. Kids can learn that Grandma’s house has its own rules. Save the firm ones for what matters most to you.

What if they keep buying too many gifts?

Suggest something you’d welcome instead: “Could you take them to the zoo instead of another toy? They’d love the time with you.”

Know someone this would help?

Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.

Find the words with Porcupine

PorcupineBefore the visit, I’ll help you get ready to say it in person, and with what to say if they push back.

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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).