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Guide · Parents and adult children
How to tell your parents about a decision they might not like
You can make your own choice and still care what they think. Here’s how to tell them.
Tell them yourself
Before they hear it from someone else, and in person or on a call if you can.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayDid you see my post? Big news!
Porcupine · Say it out loudA post shares the news with everyone at once. Asking for a call tonight lets them hear it from you first.
What might land betterCould we talk tonight, both of you? I have some news I want you to hear from me.
Lead with the decision
Hints and maybes leave them guessing. Say what you’ve decided.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to saySo, um, I’ve been kind of thinking about maybe possibly looking at jobs in other cities?
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, request“Kind of thinking about maybe possibly” hides a decision you’ve already made. The job, the city and the date tell them where things stand.
What might land betterI’ve accepted a job in Denver, and I’m moving in June. I wanted you to hear it from me first.
Say why it matters to you
If it’s about growing, love or a fresh start, say so. It helps them see you behind the decision.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayI just want to.
Porcupine · Interests, not positions“I just want to” gives them nothing to hold on to. A big step you’re excited about lets them see why it matters to you.
What might land betterThis job is a big step for me, and I’m really excited about it.
Hear their worries
They may be worried, sad or surprised. Let them say so, and say back what you heard.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayYou always assume the worst.
Porcupine · Reflect back first“You always assume the worst” argues with their worry. Saying it back, that they’re afraid you’ll be lonely, and that it makes sense, shows you heard it.
What might land betterIt sounds like you’re worried I’ll be lonely out there. That makes sense.
Show you see their side
You can understand why they’re worried and still go ahead.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayYou just don’t get it.
Porcupine · Validate the feeling“You just don’t get it” ends the talk with a verdict. Saying you know it’s hard, and you’ll miss them too, sees their side without changing your plans.
What might land betterI know it’s hard to have me far away. I’ll miss you too.
Be clear that it’s decided
If it’s settled, say so kindly. “I’d love your support” is different from asking permission.
Honest and hearable ›If they need time
Their first reaction may not be their last. Give them room to come back to it.
Ask, don’t pressure ›
The common mistake
Asking permission for something you’ve decided
“What would you think if I…” can feel softer, but if you’ve already decided, it invites a debate you don’t mean to have. Tell them what you’ve decided, and ask for their support instead.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou’re making a big mistake.
You could sayI know you see it that way. I’ve thought it through, and I’m going.
If they sayWhy didn’t you talk to us first?
You could sayI wanted to make this choice myself. You’re the first people I’m telling.
If they sayWe’ll never see you.
You could sayI’ll miss you too. Let’s plan a visit before I go, and one at the holidays.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySo, um, I’ve been kind of thinking about maybe possibly looking at jobs in other cities?
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, requestThe news first, then why it matters to you, then that you’ll miss them. Hearing it in that order, from you, leaves room for both the excitement and the hard part.
What might land betterI’ve accepted a job in Denver, and I’m moving in June. I wanted you to hear it from me first. It’s a big step for me, and I’m excited. I know it’s far, and I’ll miss you. I’d love your support.
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Common questions
What if they try to talk me out of it?
Hear their worries, then say again, kindly, that it’s decided: “I hear you. I’ve thought it through, and I’m going.”
Should I tell both parents together?
Often, yes, so neither hears it secondhand. If one usually takes news harder, a separate call afterward can help.
What if they’re hurt I didn’t ask them first?
You can say you value their view, and that this was yours to decide: “I wanted to make the choice myself, and I wanted you to hear it first.”
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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From the data
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).