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Guide · Parents and adult children
How to talk to your parents about their end-of-life wishes
It’s a hard subject to start. Here’s how to bring it up with care.
Pick a calm, private moment
Not during a health scare or a holiday dinner. A quiet visit or a walk gives you both room.
Cool down, then talk ›Say why it matters to you
Love and wanting to get it right are easier to hear than a to-do list.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayYou need to sort out your will before something happens.
Porcupine · Soft start-up“Sort out your will” is a chore, with “before something happens” as a deadline. Wanting to do what they’d want is the reason, and it makes the talk about them.
What might land betterI’ve been thinking about the future, and I’d want to make sure we do what you’d want if something happened. Could we talk about it sometime?
Ask, and listen
Ask what matters to them, and say back what you heard. It’s their wishes you’re learning.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to saySo what do you want done?
Porcupine · Ask real questions“What do you want done?” asks for instructions. “What matters most to you” asks about them, so the answer can guide the rest.
What might land betterWhat matters most to you, when you think about the future?
Let them set the pace
They may not be ready to talk about everything at once. Follow their lead.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayWe need to get through all of this today.
Porcupine · Pause when flooded“All of this today” sets a deadline. Saying you don’t have to cover everything now takes that pressure off.
What might land betterWe don’t have to cover everything now. We can come back to it.
Say if it’s hard for you
It’s okay to admit this is hard to talk about. It can make it easier for both of you.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayAnyway, it’s just paperwork.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“Just paperwork” keeps your own feelings out of it. Saying it’s hard for you too makes it something you face together.
What might land betterThis is hard for me to talk about, too.
Plan for more than one talk
It may take a few conversations. Each one is progress.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›For the legal and medical details
A lawyer can help with a will, and their doctor can help with medical wishes. Your part is to listen, and help them say what they want.
The common mistake
Waiting for a crisis
It’s tempting to put it off until something happens. But a hospital waiting room is the hardest place to learn what someone wants. A calm talk now spares everyone guessing later.
Cool down, then talk ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayAre you trying to get rid of me?
You could sayNo, the opposite. I want to make sure we get it right for you.
If they sayI don’t want to think about that.
You could sayThat’s okay. Could we come back to it another time?
If they sayJust do whatever you think is best.
You could sayI’d rather know what you’d want. Even one or two things would help.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYou need to sort out your will before something happens.
Porcupine · Name the softer feelingLove, why you’re asking, and a time and place to talk make it a conversation you have together, not a task you hand them.
What might land betterI’ve been thinking about the future, and I’d want to make sure we do what you’d want if something happened. It’s hard to bring up, and I’m bringing it up because I love you. Could we talk about it on our walk Sunday?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they won’t talk about it?
Let it rest, and try again later in a different way. Some people find it easier to write their wishes down than to talk about them.
Should my siblings be part of it?
It can help everyone hear the same thing. If that feels like too much for your parent, start one on one, and share later with their okay.
What should we cover first?
Start with what matters most to them. The legal and medical details can come later, with a lawyer or their doctor.
Know someone this would help?
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).