Guide · Roommates
How to talk to your roommate about splitting groceries and supplies
Toilet paper, dish soap, the last of the milk: here’s how to share them fairly.
Pick a calm time
Not when you’ve just found the toilet paper gone again.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayWHO USED THE LAST OF THE TOILET PAPER
Porcupine · Pause when floodedAll caps, right after you’ve found it gone, is the heat of the moment. Asking to talk this week waits for a calmer one.
What might land betterCan we talk about shared supplies sometime this week?
Describe what’s been happening
What you’ve noticed, without a verdict.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayMust be nice to never buy toilet paper.
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“Must be nice” is sarcasm. Saying you’ve been buying most of it, and asking for a system, says the same thing straight.
What might land betterI’ve noticed I’ve been buying most of the shared stuff lately, like toilet paper and dish soap. Could we figure out a system?
Ask what should be shared
Cleaning supplies might be shared and food not, or the other way around. Ask what they think, and agree on a list.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayObviously everything should be split.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“Obviously everything” decides for both of you. Asking what should count, and offering your idea, starts a list you can agree on.
What might land betterWhat do you think should count as shared? I was thinking cleaning stuff and toilet paper.
Pick a simple system
Taking turns, a shared fund, or splitting receipts in an app. Whatever you’ll both actually keep.
Us against the problem ›Ask, don’t keep score
A small ask is easier to say yes to than a tally.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayI’ve bought paper towels the last four times.
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“The last four times” is a count to answer for. Asking them to grab the next pack is one small thing.
What might land betterCould you grab the next pack of paper towels?
Check in after a month
See how it’s going, and adjust. A quick “Is this working?” keeps small annoyances from piling up.
The common mistake
Hiding your stuff instead of talking
Keeping your soap in your room or labeling every item can feel like protecting yourself, but it tends to make home feel tense. Agreeing on what’s shared is easier than guarding it.
Us against the problem ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI buy plenty of stuff.
You could sayYou might, and I could be missing it. Let’s keep a list for a month and see.
If they sayI barely use any toilet paper.
You could sayThat’s fair. Maybe we split some things and buy our own of others.
If they sayThis seems kind of petty.
You could sayIt’s small, I know. That’s why I’d like to sort it out now, before it bugs either of us.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayMust be nice to never buy toilet paper.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problemWhat you’ve noticed, with no verdict, and a system you’d share. It’s about the toilet paper, not about who they are.
What might land betterI’ve noticed I’ve been buying most of the shared stuff lately, like toilet paper and dish soap. Could we figure out a system? Maybe a shared list, and we take turns buying?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your roommate, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What counts as shared?
Whatever you both use: often toilet paper, soap, cleaning supplies and basics like salt and oil. Food is usually separate, but some roommates share it too.
What if one of us uses a lot more?
Say so plainly and suggest a split that fits, like each buying your own of the thing one of you uses most.
What if they keep eating my food?
Bring it up once, specifically: “My leftovers have been disappearing. Could you ask before taking something?” A shelf each can help.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).