Guide · Roommates
How to tell your roommate you’re moving out
It’s hard to say, but the sooner you say it, the more time you both have. Here’s how.
Tell them early, and in person
Give as much notice as you can, face to face, not in a note on the fridge.
What you might want to sayFYI, moving out end of March.
Porcupine · Say it out loud“FYI” makes big news sound small. Asking for a few minutes tonight lets you tell them in person.
What might land betterDo you have a few minutes tonight? I have some news I want to tell you in person.
Give a clear reason and date
Vague hints leave them guessing. Say what’s happening and when.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to saySo… I might be moving at some point? Not sure yet, we’ll see.
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, request“Might… at some point… we’ll see” keeps them guessing when you know. The end of March, and why, give them what they need to plan.
What might land betterI’ve decided to move out at the end of March. I got a job across town, and I wanted to tell you as soon as I knew.
Hear how they feel
They may be worried about rent or finding someone new. Let them say so before you get to the details.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayIt’s not that big a deal.
Porcupine · Validate the feeling“Not that big a deal” shrinks a real problem for them. Naming the rent, and saying sorry about the timing, shows you see it.
What might land betterI know this puts you in a tough spot with the rent. I’m sorry about the timing.
Work out the practical parts together
The lease, the deposit, shared furniture and finding a replacement: make a plan you can both live with.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayI’m sure you’ll figure it out.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“You’ll figure it out” leaves it all to them. Going over the lease, the deposit and the couch this weekend is help with the parts that land on them.
What might land betterCould we sit down this weekend and go over the lease, the deposit and the couch?
Ask what would help
“Would it help if I found a few people to meet?” leaves room for what they actually need.
Ask, don’t pressure ›Say what you appreciated
If living together was good, say so. It helps you end on a good note.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayWell, it’s been a time.
Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“It’s been a time” is a shrug. Saying it’s been good, and naming the Sunday pancakes, says what you’ll miss.
What might land betterLiving with you has been really good. I’ll miss our Sunday pancakes.
The common mistake
Waiting until it’s a done deal
Telling them after you’ve signed somewhere else can feel like a decision they had no say in, with no time to plan. Telling them as soon as you’ve decided keeps it a conversation.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayHow am I supposed to cover rent?
You could sayI get it. I’ll help you find someone, and I’ll pay my share through the end of my notice.
If they sayDid I do something?
You could sayNo, not at all. It’s the job. Living with you has been great.
If they sayYou couldn’t have told me sooner?
You could sayI told you as soon as I knew. I know it’s still short, and I’m sorry.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySo… I might be moving at some point? Not sure yet, we’ll see.
Porcupine · Say what you appreciateThe date, the reason, that you told them right away, help with the lease and a kind word. It’s news they need, said with care for what it means to them.
What might land betterI’ve decided to move out at the end of March. I got a job across town, and I wanted to tell you as soon as I knew. I know that leaves you with the lease and finding someone, and I’d like to help with that. Living with you has been really good.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your roommate, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
How much notice should I give?
Check your lease first, since it may set the notice. Beyond that, as much as you can. A month is a common minimum, and more is kinder.
Do I have to find a replacement?
It depends on your lease. Even when you don’t have to, offering to help find someone eases the pressure on your roommate.
What about furniture we bought together?
Make a list of what you bought together, and agree on who keeps what, or who buys out whom.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).