Guide · Siblings
How to talk to your sibling about an old resentment
Old sibling hurts can shape things for decades. Here’s how to finally talk about one.
Pick a calm time, just the two of you
Not at a family gathering, and not in the middle of a new disagreement.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to saySince we’re all here, can we talk about how you were the favorite?
Porcupine · Soft start-up“Since we’re all here” brings it up in front of everyone. Coffee, just the two of you, gives it the room it needs.
What might land betterCould we get coffee next week, just us? There’s something I’ve wanted to talk about.
Say how it felt
How it felt is easier to hear than a charge about who was favored.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayMom and Dad always liked you better, and you know it.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“Liked you better, and you know it” is a charge about them. Feeling like you came second, and that it still affects you, is your side to tell.
What might land betterGrowing up, I often felt like I came second, and it still affects how I feel around you.
Talk about what happened, not who they are
Specific memories are easier to talk about than labels like “spoiled” or “selfish.”
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou were so spoiled.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Spoiled” is a label. The car at sixteen is one memory, and feeling left out is what it meant to you.
What might land betterWhen you got a car at sixteen and I didn’t, I felt left out.
Hear their memory of it
They may remember it very differently, or have felt something you didn’t know about.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayThat’s not how it was.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“That’s not how it was” ends their side before it starts. Asking how they remember it makes room for a story you may not know.
What might land betterHow do you remember those years?
Remember you were both kids
Much of what happened may not have been their choice. You can see that and still say it hurt.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayYou could have stood up for me.
Porcupine · Show you’re open“You could have stood up for me” asks a kid to have done a grown-up’s job. Seeing they were young too, and saying it still hurt, holds both.
What might land betterI know you were just a kid too. It still hurt.
Focus on now
Talk about what would help you both today, not only about what went wrong back then.
Us against the problem ›If you still see it differently
You may never agree on the past. Understanding each other better can still change how things feel now.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Bringing it up in the middle of a new fight
When an old hurt comes out during an argument about something else, it lands as ammunition, not as something to understand. Raise it on its own, when things are calm.
Cool down, then talk ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayThat was decades ago.
You could sayIt was. It still affects how I feel, and I’d like to talk about it.
If they sayI had it hard too, you know.
You could sayI didn’t know that. I’d really like to hear about it.
If they saySo now it’s my fault?
You could sayNo, I’m not blaming you. I just want you to know how it felt.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayMom and Dad always liked you better, and you know it.
Porcupine · Name the softer feelingHow it felt, that you’re not blaming them, and wanting to hear their side: together they make it a talk about the past, not a charge.
What might land betterGrowing up, I often felt like I came second, and it still affects how I feel around you. I’m not blaming you for it. I’d like to talk about it, and hear how it was for you too.
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Common questions
What if they deny it ever happened?
They may truly remember it differently. You don’t have to agree on the facts to talk about how it felt.
Should our parents be part of it?
Usually not at first. This is between the two of you. A talk with a parent can come later, if it would help.
Is it worth bringing up after so long?
If it still affects how you feel around them, yes. Old hurts often ease once they’re said out loud.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).