Guide · Siblings
How to make up with your sibling after a fight
Someone has to reach out first. Here’s how to make it easier for both of you.
Let it cool, but not for too long
A day or two can help. Waiting for the other one to go first can turn a fight into a long silence.
Cool down, then talk ›Reach out first
Say plainly that you want to talk.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to saySo are you still mad or what?
Porcupine · Repair attempts“Still mad or what?” asks them to go first. Saying you don’t like how you left it makes the first move yours.
What might land betterI’ve been thinking about our fight, and I don’t like how we left it. Can we talk?
Own your part
Name what you said or did, and leave out the “but.”
Own your part ›What you might want to sayI’m sorry you took it so personally.
Porcupine · Own your part“Sorry you took it so personally” is about their reaction. Naming the snapping, about Mom’s birthday plans, is about what you did.
What might land betterI’m sorry I snapped at you about Mom’s birthday plans. That wasn’t fair to you.
Hear their side
Let them say how it was for them, and say back what you heard before you explain yours.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayOkay, but you were being impossible too.
Porcupine · Reflect back first“You were being impossible too” answers their side with a charge. Saying back how it felt to them, and that you can see it, lets them be heard first.
What might land betterIt sounds like you felt I’d already made up my mind. I can see that.
Let them remember it differently
You may never agree on every detail. You can see it your way and still understand why it hurt them.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayThat’s not what happened.
Porcupine · Show you’re open“That’s not what happened” makes it a debate about the facts. Your memory stays, and seeing why it hurt makes room for theirs.
What might land betterI remember it differently, but I can see why it hurt.
Talk about what you want from here
Maybe it’s a plan for the next family dinner, or agreeing to call when something’s wrong instead of letting it build.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayLet’s just forget it.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Let’s just forget it” closes it without a way forward. Calling when something bugs you is a small plan you can both keep.
What might land betterNext time something bugs us, could we call instead of letting it build?
If they’re not ready yet
Let them know the door’s open, and give them time. Pushing for a quick make-up can make it harder.
Ask, don’t pressure ›
The common mistake
Waiting for them to go first
If you’re both waiting for an apology, a weekend fight can turn into months of silence. Reaching out first isn’t losing. It’s often what makes the rest possible.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou always do this.
You could sayMaybe I do sometimes. I don’t want to this time. Can we talk?
If they sayI’m still upset.
You could sayThat’s okay. I’ll give you some time. I’m here when you want to talk.
If they sayFine, whatever.
You could sayI’d really like it not to be “whatever.” You matter to me.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySo are you still mad or what? I’m sorry you took it so personally.
Porcupine · Repair attemptsYou’ve been thinking about it, what you did, that it wasn’t fair, and a time to talk: nothing in it asks them to go first.
What might land betterI’ve been thinking about our fight, and I don’t like how we left it. I’m sorry I snapped at you about Mom’s birthday plans. That wasn’t fair to you. Can we talk this week?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they started it?
Someone has to reach out, and it doesn’t mean you were more at fault. Own your part, and leave room for them to own theirs.
Should I text or call?
A text can break the ice: “Can we talk?” The talk itself usually goes better by phone or in person.
What if we’ve fought like this for years?
Make up for this one, then talk about the pattern when you’re both calm: “We keep ending up here. Can we try something different?”
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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More for the season
- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).