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Guide · Teammates
How to tell a coworker something awkward
A quick, kind word is easier on everyone than weeks of quiet annoyance. Here’s how.
Say it privately
One on one, never in front of others, and not in a group chat aimed at one person.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayHey everyone, can SOME people keep their calls down?
Porcupine · Soft start-up“SOME people” calls them out in front of everyone. “Just us” keeps it private.
What might land betterHey, do you have a sec? Just us.
Keep it short and kind
A friendly heads-up, not a complaint.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to saySome of us can hear every word of your calls, you know.
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“You know” makes it sound like they’re doing it on purpose. “Quick thing” and “would you mind” keep it light.
What might land betterHey, quick thing: your calls carry over to my desk, and it’s hard for me to focus. Would you mind using a meeting room for the long ones?
Describe it, don’t judge it
Talk about the noise, not about them being inconsiderate.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou’re so inconsiderate.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Inconsiderate” is a judgment. Calls carrying over to your desk is something they can change today.
What might land betterYour calls carry over to my desk.
Assume they don’t know
They probably don’t realize. Treat it as a heads-up.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayYou must know how loud you are.
Porcupine · Actions, not motives“You must know” assumes they do it knowingly. “You probably can’t tell from your desk” gives them an easy out.
What might land betterYou probably can’t tell from your desk, but sound really carries over here.
Make it easy to fix
Suggest something simple, and let them choose.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayJust stop taking calls at your desk.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Just stop” is an order. A meeting room for long calls is an easy fix, offered as a question.
What might land betterWould a meeting room work for the long calls?
Move on
Once you’ve said it, treat things as normal. It shouldn’t hang over either of you.
The common mistake
Hinting until they guess
Sighing, putting on headphones pointedly, or joking about it to others can feel gentler than saying it. But they may never connect it, and you stay annoyed. One kind, direct sentence is easier on both of you.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayOh no, I had no idea. Sorry!
You could sayNo worries at all. Thanks for being so nice about it.
If they sayEveryone takes calls at their desk.
You could sayTrue. It’s just the long ones that are hard for me. Any chance those could go in a room?
If they sayOkay.
You could sayThanks, I appreciate it.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySome of us can hear every word of your calls, you know.
Porcupine · A clear, doable requestA quick heads-up, how it affects you, one easy ask and a thank you. It’s short, and it keeps things easy between you.
What might land betterHey, quick thing: your calls carry over to my desk, and it’s hard for me to focus. Would you mind using a meeting room for the long ones? Thanks, I appreciate it.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your coworker, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if it’s something personal, like a smell?
Keep it short, private and kind, with no audience: “This is a little awkward, but I’d want someone to tell me…” Then move on.
Should I ask our manager to say it instead?
For small things, a direct word is usually kinder and faster. Go to your manager if it continues or affects the team.
What if they get embarrassed?
Keep it light and brief, and treat things as normal afterward. Embarrassment passes faster when nobody dwells on it.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).