Guide · Partners
How to tell your partner something’s bothering you
Small things left unsaid can grow. Here’s how to bring one up while it’s still small.
Pick your moment
Not as they walk in the door or right before sleep. Ask if now’s a good time, or suggest one.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayWe need to talk.
Porcupine · Soft start-up“We need to talk” can sound like bad news, with no hint of what. Asking if tonight works, and saying it’s been on your mind, lets them come ready.
What might land betterIs tonight a good time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?
Start soft
Open with what you’ve noticed and how you feel, not a charge against them.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayWe need to talk. You’ve been completely checked out lately.
Porcupine · Soft start-up“Completely checked out” is a charge about them. Missing time with them says the same thing as something you’d like more of.
What might land betterCan I bring something up? I’ve been missing time with you lately, and it’s been on my mind.
Stick to one thing
Bring up what’s bothering you now, not a list from the past year. One specific thing is easier to talk about.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayAnd another thing: you forgot my sister’s birthday, and last summer you…
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“And another thing” stacks up the past, and each item needs its own answer. Naming the one thing, your evenings, keeps it a talk you can finish.
What might land betterThe thing on my mind is our evenings. Can we just talk about that?
Say what’s underneath
If you’re feeling lonely, worried or taken for granted, say so. It helps them see why it matters to you.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayIt’s fine. Whatever.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“It’s fine” closes the door while it’s still bothering you. Naming the loneliness under it tells them what it’s really about.
What might land betterI think I’ve been feeling lonely, and that’s why it’s bugging me.
Hear their side
Ask how it’s been for them, and say back what you heard before you respond. They may have been feeling something similar, or have a reason you didn’t know about.
Understand before answering ›Find something to try together
End with something you can both try, like a night out each week or a check-in on Sundays.
Us against the problem ›If it doesn’t go well the first time
You can take a break and come back to it. “Can I try that again?” is a good way to restart.
Cool down, then talk ›
The common mistake
Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not
A flat “I’m fine” is hard to read, and leaves them guessing or walking on eggshells. Saying what’s on your mind, kindly, is easier for both of you.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWhy didn’t you say something sooner?
You could sayFair question. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. I’m saying it now because it matters to me.
If they sayYou’re overreacting.
You could sayIt might seem small to you. It’s been on my mind, and I’d like us to talk about it.
If they sayI don’t know what you want me to do.
You could sayI’m not sure either. Could we try one thing, like one evening a week with no phones?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayWe need to talk. You’ve been completely checked out lately, and honestly I’m sick of it.
Porcupine · Soft start-up“I’m sick of it” opens with a charge. Missing them, the evenings in separate rooms and a question about how it’s been for them say what’s wrong and leave room for their side.
What might land betterCan I bring something up? I’ve been missing time with you lately, and it’s been on my mind. Most evenings we end up on our phones in separate rooms, and I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. How has it been for you?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your partner, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if it seems too small to mention?
If it keeps coming back to mind, it’s worth a few minutes. Small things are easiest to talk about while they’re still small.
Should I bring it up by text?
A short text can set it up: “Can we talk tonight about something on my mind?” The talk itself usually goes better in person, where tone comes through.
What if they get defensive?
Slow down, and say back what you heard. Then come back to the one thing, gently: “I’m not saying it’s all you. I just miss us.”
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineRather say it in person? I’ll get you ready with a gentle first line, and what to say if it gets heated.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).