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Guide · Teammates
How to give a coworker feedback without making it personal
Here’s how to raise a problem with a coworker so it’s about the work, not about them.
Describe what happened
Stick to what you saw: “The last two reports came in after the deadline,” not “You’re unreliable.”
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou clearly don’t care about this project.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“You clearly don’t care” is a guess about their heart. Two reports after the deadline is what happened.
What might land betterThe last two reports came in after the deadline.
Explain the impact
Say what it meant for you or the team, such as staying late to finish the client deck.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayIt’s really unprofessional.
Porcupine · Explain the impact“Unprofessional” is a label. Staying late Thursday to finish the deck is what it cost you.
What might land betterI stayed late Thursday to finish the client deck.
Don’t guess their reasons
Ask what’s going on before deciding why it happened. There may be something you don’t know about.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayI guess you just didn’t bother.
Porcupine · Actions, not motives“You just didn’t bother” decides why. “Is something going on?” asks, and “it’s not like you” gives them credit.
What might land betterIs something going on? It’s not like you to miss deadlines.
Listen, and say back what you heard
Let them explain. Show you’ve heard it before you get to what you need.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayThat’s not my problem.
Porcupine · Reflect back first“That’s not my problem” brushes off what they told you. Saying back the audit shows you heard it, and learned something.
What might land betterSo you’ve been pulled onto the audit too. I didn’t know that.
Ask for something specific
Make a request they can actually act on.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayYou need to get your act together.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Get your act together” isn’t something they can do by Wednesday. A heads-up if Friday’s at risk is.
What might land betterCould you let me know by Wednesday if Friday’s deadline is at risk? Then we can plan around it.
Solve it as a team
Ask what would help them hit the deadline, too. You both want the work to go well.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayJust figure it out.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“Just figure it out” leaves them alone with it. Asking what would help, and offering the charts, makes Friday a shared goal.
What might land betterWhat would help you hit Friday? I can take the charts if that frees you up.
If it’s more serious than the work
For harassment, discrimination or anything that feels unsafe, talk to HR or someone who can help, rather than handling it on your own.
Safety first ›
The common mistake
Saying it in front of others
Raising it in a meeting or a group thread puts them on the spot, and they’ll likely defend themselves instead of hearing you. A quiet word, one on one, works better.
Respect, even when angry ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI’ve been swamped.
You could sayI believe you. Let’s work out how to flag it earlier, so neither of us gets stuck.
If they sayYou’re not my manager.
You could sayYou’re right. I’m raising it because it affects my part of the work.
If they sayOther people are late too.
You could sayMaybe so. I’m talking about our project, because it affects my deadlines.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYou clearly don’t care about this project. You need to get your act together.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“You clearly don’t care” and “get your act together” are about who they are. Two late reports, the late night they caused, a question and one ask are about the work.
What might land betterThe last two reports came in after the deadline, and I ended up staying late to finish the client deck. Is something going on? Could you let me know by Wednesday if Friday’s deadline is at risk? Then we can plan around it.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your coworker, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
Should I go to their manager instead?
Usually try them first. Going over their head before talking can damage trust. If it keeps happening, your manager can help.
What if I’m not their boss?
Peers can give feedback too. Keep it about the shared work and what you need, not about how they should do their job.
Should I put it in writing?
Talk first, in person or on a call. A short note afterward can confirm what you agreed.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Related guides
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).