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Guide · Anyone in the family
How to tell your family you want to cut back on gifts
Gifts can add up fast. Here’s how to suggest spending less without it sounding like you care less.
Bring it up before anyone shops
In the fall is kinder than in December, when some people have already bought. It gives everyone time to change their plans.
What you might want to sayBtw I didn’t get anyone anything this year, hope that’s okay.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Btw I didn’t get anyone anything” arrives after the shopping’s done. Asking to talk first makes it something you decide together.
What might land betterBefore anyone starts shopping, could we talk about gifts this year?
Keep your reason short and true
You don’t need to explain your budget. A short, true reason is enough.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayThings are just really tight with the car and rent going up and everything, so…
Porcupine · A clear, doable requestThe car, the rent and “everything, so…” trail off before the ask. “I’d like to spend less” is the ask itself.
What might land betterI’d like to spend less on gifts this year.
Make it about easing the pressure, not a complaint
Calling it ridiculous or over the top can sound like a judgment of how they give. Talk about what you’d like instead.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayIt’s gotten ridiculous. Everyone goes way overboard.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Everyone goes way overboard” points at them. Taking pressure off “all of us” puts you in it too.
What might land betterI think spending less might take some pressure off all of us.
Offer an idea, not just a no
A name draw, a spending limit, gifts for the kids only, or an outing together. An idea makes it easier to say yes.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayLet’s just not do gifts.
Porcupine · Interests, not positions“Let’s just not do gifts” is a flat no. A name draw with a $50 limit keeps some of the fun and still spends less.
What might land betterWhat if we drew names, and each got one gift up to $50?
Let them choose
Some people love giving. Make it an offer, not a new rule, and ask what they think.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to saySo that’s the new rule, okay?
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“So that’s the new rule, okay?” asks for agreement after deciding. “Would that work for everyone?” asks first, and welcomes other ideas.
What might land betterWould that work for everyone? I’m happy to hear other ideas.
Say what you’ll still do
Saying what you love about the holidays shows this is about spending, not about them.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to saySo yeah, no gifts from me.
Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“No gifts from me” can sound like pulling back from them. Stockings for the kids and the cookie swap show what you still want to share.
What might land betterI’d still love to do stockings for the kids, and the cookie swap.
If someone still gives you a big gift
You can only change what you do. A warm thank you is enough, and you don’t owe a matching gift. Different ways of giving can live side by side.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Just showing up with less
Quietly cutting back can look like you care less, and leave others feeling they overspent. Saying it ahead lets everyone match, or choose not to.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayBut giving is my favorite part!
You could sayI love that about you. You can still give what you like. I’m only changing what I spend.
If they sayIs everything okay with money?
You could sayThanks for checking. I just want to spend less this year.
If they sayThe kids will be so disappointed.
You could sayI’d hate that too. Could we keep gifts for the kids, and draw names for the adults?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayHonestly, can we just not do gifts this year? It’s gotten ridiculous and I can’t afford it.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“It’s gotten ridiculous” judges how everyone gives. Saying what you’d like, one idea to try and a question leaves them glad to join in. Your reason can stay as short as you like.
What might land betterCould we try something different with gifts this year? I’d like to spend less, and I think it might take some pressure off all of us. What if we drew names and each got one gift, up to $50? I’d still love to do stockings for the kids. Would that work for everyone?
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Common questions
Do I have to say it’s about money?
Only if you want to. “I’d like to spend less this year” is true and enough.
What if I’m the only one who wants to cut back?
You can still change what you do. Tell them early, so nobody’s surprised: “I’m keeping gifts small this year. No pressure for anyone else to.”
What could we do instead of gifts?
A name draw, a spending limit, gifts for the kids only, a family outing, homemade gifts, or a donation to something you all care about.
Is it rude to suggest no gifts?
Not if you say it warmly and early, and make it about easing the pressure, not about what anyone gives.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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More for the season
- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).