Guide · Roommates
How to talk to your roommate about shared spaces
Here’s how to agree on a few simple house rules for the spaces you share.
Pick a calm time
Not while you’re standing in a messy kitchen. Suggest a quick chat when you’re both home.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayOkay, we need to talk about the living room. Right now.
Porcupine · Soft start-up“Right now” makes it urgent. Ten minutes tonight is a talk they can say yes to.
What might land betterDo you have ten minutes tonight to talk about how we use the place?
Describe the specifics
What, where and for how long, without a verdict.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayDo you think the whole apartment is your personal storage unit?
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“Your personal storage unit” is sarcasm. The bike, the boxes and two weeks are what’s actually there.
What might land betterYour bike and boxes have been in the living room for a couple of weeks, and it’s hard to use the space.
Ask what matters to them
Maybe they need somewhere to keep the bike, or they run cold. The reason behind it points to a fix.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayWhy would you even keep a bike inside?
Porcupine · Ask real questions“Why would you even” is a challenge. Asking if there’s a reason invites one, and “a spot that works” looks for a fix.
What might land betterIs there a reason the bike needs to be inside? Maybe we can find a spot that works.
Agree on simple house rules
A shelf each in the fridge, dishes done the same day, the thermostat at 70: a few clear agreements beat a lot of reminders.
Us against the problem ›Suggest, don’t decree
A suggestion leaves room to work it out.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayFrom now on, nothing of yours stays in the living room.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“From now on, nothing of yours” is a rule. Keeping it clear on weekdays is a smaller ask they can actually agree to.
What might land betterCould we keep the living room clear on weekdays?
If you see things differently
You may never feel the same about 68 versus 72 degrees. A compromise you can both live with is a good outcome.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Moving their stuff without asking
Pushing their things into their room can feel like solving it, but it tends to land as a message, and not a friendly one. Ask first, even when the answer seems obvious.
Respect, even when angry ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWhere else am I supposed to put it?
You could sayFair question. Could we look together? Maybe the hall closet, or a hook by the door.
If they sayYour stuff is everywhere too.
You could sayMaybe so. Let’s agree on rules that apply to both of us.
If they sayIt’s only for a few more weeks.
You could sayThat helps to know. Could we set a date, so I know when to expect it?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayDo you think the whole apartment is your personal storage unit?
Porcupine · A clear, doable requestWhat’s there, for how long, why it matters, a question and one ask. It’s about the living room, and it leaves room for their side.
What might land betterYour bike and boxes have been in the living room for a couple of weeks, and it’s hard to use the space. Is there somewhere else they could go? Could we keep the living room clear on weekdays?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your roommate, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if we have different standards?
That’s common. Agree on a few basics you can both live with, like a clear couch and counters, instead of trying to change how either of you feels.
How do we split shared space fairly?
Some roommates split shelves and closets evenly, some by who pays more rent. Whatever you pick, say it out loud so you both know.
Should we write it down?
A short list on the fridge or in a shared note helps, especially for things like the thermostat or quiet hours.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).