Guide · Dating
What to do when someone you’re dating sends mixed signals
You can’t read their mind, and you don’t have to. Here’s how to ask.
Notice the pattern, not one text
One slow reply means little. A pattern over weeks is worth talking about.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›Practice reading texts with Mixed Signals ›Don’t guess what it means
Busy, unsure, or seeing other people: from the outside, these can look the same. Asking is the only way to know.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayThey’re obviously seeing someone else.
Porcupine · Actions, not motives“Obviously seeing someone else” is a guess dressed as fact. Saying you’d rather ask leaves room for what’s really happening.
What might land betterI’m not sure what’s going on, and I’d rather ask than guess.
Say what you’ve noticed, and how it feels
Describe the pattern and its effect on you, without a verdict.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to saySo you’re ghosting me now? Cool.
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“Cool” is sarcasm, and “ghosting” is a guess. Talking a lot some weeks and barely at all others, and feeling unsure, says the same thing plainly.
What might land betterI’ve noticed we talk a lot some weeks and barely at all others, and it leaves me unsure where we stand.
Ask directly
A direct question gets you a real answer sooner than hints.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to saySo what are we even doing?
Porcupine · Ask real questions“What are we even doing?” sounds like a complaint. “Are you looking for something serious?” is a question they can answer.
What might land betterAre you looking for something serious right now?
Listen to the answer
Even if it isn’t what you hoped. “I’m not sure” is an answer too.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayFine, whatever.
Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“Fine, whatever” closes off a hard answer. Thanking them for the honesty takes it in gracefully.
What might land betterThanks for telling me. I appreciate the honesty.
Decide what you want
Their answer is information. What you do with it is your choice.
Their words, their choice ›
The common mistake
Decoding every text
Reading meaning into emoji, reply times and punctuation can fill whole evenings, and it’s easy to land on the worst reading. One honest question tells you more than a week of decoding.
Check before assuming ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou’re overthinking this.
You could sayMaybe. I’d still like to know where we stand.
If they sayI’m just not a big texter.
You could sayThat’s fair. Would calls, or seeing each other more, work better for you?
If they sayI don’t know what I want.
You could sayThanks for being honest. I’ll think about what works for me, too.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySo you’re ghosting me now? Cool.
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, requestWhat you’ve noticed, how it leaves you, a direct question and “either answer is okay.” It asks for the truth, and makes it easy to give.
What might land betterI’ve noticed we talk a lot some weeks and barely at all others, and it leaves me unsure where we stand. Are you looking for something serious right now? Either answer is okay. I’d just rather know.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to the person you’re dating, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
How long should I wait before asking?
If the pattern has gone on for a few weeks and it’s on your mind, it’s fair to ask.
What if they say they’re just busy?
That may be true. You can ask what would work for them, and still decide what works for you.
Should I match their energy?
Pulling back to mirror them can turn it into a guessing game. Asking is clearer.
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Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).