What’s Your Conflict Style? › The Deal Maker and the Untangler
Conflict styles, together
The Deal Maker and the Untangler
One wants to find the fix. The other wants to find the cause. Each can feel the other is skipping a step.
A free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
Where it works
Both want things sorted, and between them there’s a reason and a plan.
Where it trips
An offer can feel like cutting the talk short. And another round of talking can feel like turning down a fair deal.
How each can be misread
Deal MakerCan we settle this?
- Can mean
- I want to move on.
- Can read as
- I’m tired of talking.
UntanglerI want to understand first.
- Can mean
- This matters to me.
- Can read as
- I’ll keep us here all night.
How it can go
Who drives to the airport
Deal MakerLet’s take turns driving. Done?
UntanglerI want to understand first why this keeps coming up.
Deal MakerCan we settle this?
PorcupineThe offer may be fair, and the question may be fair too. One may want to finish, and the other may not feel finished.
Why it helps: Check before assuming › Free tool · What does this text mean?Got a message like this?Paste it in to see a few ways it could be read, and what you could say back. We don’t save it.Check a textOne thing each can try
The Deal Maker
Ask what’s left before you close it.
Before we settle it, what’s the part I’m missing?
Why it helps: Understand before answering ›The Untangler
You don’t have to finish it all tonight.
Let’s try taking turns. I’d still like to talk about it this weekend.
Why it helps: Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›After a fight
Style is only half of it. Two people can want different things afterward: one wants to talk tonight, and the other needs a day. Neither is wrong. Say it out loud: “Here’s what I need after a fight. What do you need?”
Know a pair like this?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore on these styles
- The Deal MakerYou’d rather both get something than argue all night.
- The UntanglerYou can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
- The seven conflict stylesSeven ways people handle a disagreement, and five ways they come back from it.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).