What’s Your Conflict Style? › The Peacekeeper and the Untangler
Conflict styles, together
The Peacekeeper and the Untangler
One wants to keep it calm. The other wants to get to the bottom of it. “It’s fine” may not be the end of it.
A free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes.
Where it works
Both care how it is for the other person, and someone asks the real question: what do you want?
Where it trips
“Are you sure?” can feel like pressure to someone who’d rather leave it, and “it’s fine” can feel like a closed door to someone who wants in.
How each can be misread
PeacekeeperIt’s fine, really.
- Can mean
- Please let’s leave it.
- Can read as
- Nothing’s wrong.
UntanglerAre you sure? Tell me.
- Can mean
- I care how you feel.
- Can read as
- You won’t drop it.
How it can go
After a comment at dinner
UntanglerYou seemed off at dinner. Are you sure you’re okay?
PeacekeeperIt’s fine, really.
UntanglerIt doesn’t seem fine. Tell me.
Porcupine“It’s fine” might be true, or it might be a way of not having the talk right now. “Tell me” may be care, and it can still feel like a push.
Why it helps: Check before assuming › Free tool · Is this text passive-aggressive?Got a message like this?Paste it in to see a few ways it could be read, and what you could say back. We don’t save it.Check a textOne thing each can try
The Peacekeeper
Give them a time, so it isn’t a closed door.
It bothered me a bit. Can I tell you this weekend?
Why it helps: Honest and hearable ›The Untangler
Ask once, and leave the door open.
Okay. If there’s more, I’d like to hear it when you’re ready.
Why it helps: Ask, don’t pressure ›After a fight
Style is only half of it. Two people can want different things afterward: one wants to talk tonight, and the other needs a day. Neither is wrong. Say it out loud: “Here’s what I need after a fight. What do you need?”
Know a pair like this?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore on these styles
- The PeacekeeperYou’ll give a lot to keep things good between you.
- The UntanglerYou can’t rest until you get to the bottom of it.
- The seven conflict stylesSeven ways people handle a disagreement, and five ways they come back from it.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).