Guide · Partners
How to decide whose family to spend the holidays with
Two families, one holiday. Here’s how to work it out together, so neither of you ends up the bad guy.
Talk to each other before either family asks
Decide together first, so neither of you gets caught saying yes on the phone.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayMy mom wants us there for Christmas, so I’m telling her yes.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problemAsking before you answer her makes it a plan you made together, not one your partner has to go along with.
What might land betterMy mom asked about Christmas. Before I answer her, can we figure it out together this weekend?
Say what matters most, not just where
The place usually stands for something: a grandparent, a tradition, a sibling you rarely see. Saying what it is gives you both more to work with.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayWe’re going to my parents’. End of story.
Porcupine · Interests, not positions“End of story” closes the talk. The reason behind where you want to be, here a grandmother, is something your partner can make room for.
What might land betterChristmas Eve with my family matters a lot to me, mostly because my grandmother is there.
Ask what matters to them
Then ask, and listen to the answer before you argue for yours. Say back what you heard.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayYour family doesn’t even do anything special.
Porcupine · Ask real questionsA dig at their family is something they’d have to defend. A real question gets you their reason instead.
What might land betterWhat matters most to you about the holidays with your family?
Look at options together
Take turns by year, split the day, host both families, or give each family a different holiday. More than one option makes it easier for you both to say yes.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayFine. Whatever you want.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“Whatever you want” gives in without agreeing, and that can come back later. A couple of options keep you both in the decision.
What might land betterWhat if we take turns by year, or do Christmas Eve at mine and Christmas Day at yours?
Be ready to give a little
You can care a lot about your family’s day and still see why theirs matters to your partner. A plan where you each give a little usually lasts longer than one where one of you wins.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayI’m not budging on this.
Porcupine · Show you’re openIt’s still clear what you want most. Saying what you’d give for it leaves room for them too.
What might land betterI really want Christmas Eve. If we do that, I’m happy for Christmas Day to be all yours.
Tell your families as a team
Each of you tells your own family, plainly and early, as a plan you made together.
Honest and hearable ›How to tell your family you’re not coming home ›What you might want to saySorry, Mom. My partner wants Christmas Day with their family, so we’ll only be there Christmas Eve.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“We’ve decided” shares the decision, so your partner isn’t the reason she’s disappointed.
What might land betterMom, we’ve decided to be with you on Christmas Eve and with my partner’s family on Christmas Day.
If it comes up every year
Two families can’t both have every holiday. A rhythm you agree on once, like taking turns by year, saves you having the same talk every fall.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Keeping score
“We did yours last year” turns the holidays into a contest you each need to win. Fairness matters, so name it as something you both want over the years, not a debt one of you owes.
Us against the problem ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYour family always gets what they want.
You could sayIt might feel that way. Let’s look at the last few years together and make it feel fair to both of us.
If they sayMy mom will be crushed if we’re not there.
You could sayI know it matters to her. Could we call her that morning, and visit the weekend after?
If they sayWhy don’t you just go to yours and I’ll go to mine?
You could sayWe could, if we both want that. I’d rather be together, so can we look at a couple of other options first?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayWe went to your parents’ last year. It’s my turn, and my grandmother will be there, so I’m not missing it.
Porcupine · Interests, not positions“We went to yours last year” keeps score, which makes it a contest. Your grandmother stays, as the reason it matters, and a question about what matters to them leaves room for both.
What might land betterCan we figure out the holidays this weekend? Christmas Eve with my family matters a lot to me, mostly because my grandmother will be there. What matters most to you about yours? Maybe Christmas Eve at my parents’ and Christmas Day at yours, or we could take turns by year.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your partner, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
How early should we decide?
For the winter holidays, by early November, before either family starts planning around you and before flights fill up.
Is it okay to spend the holidays apart?
Some couples do, and it can work if you both want it. Decide it together, rather than ending up apart because neither of you would give.
What if one family lives much farther away?
Distance is fair to weigh. A longer visit every other year, or a different holiday with the family that’s far away, can work better than splitting every day.
What if we’d rather stay home this year?
That’s an option too. Tell both families together, early, and offer another time to see them.
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Just your email. How we handle it
More for the season
- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
From the data
- How much time couples spend together, and how much of it is talkingWho fills your day?
Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).