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Guide · Managers and employees
How to disagree with your boss respectfully
Here’s how to raise a disagreement so it’s heard as help, not defiance.
Pick the right moment
One on one is usually better than in front of the team. Ask for a few minutes soon after the decision, before much work has gone into it.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayHey, got a minute? This launch thing is a mess.
Porcupine · Soft start-up“This launch thing is a mess” starts with a verdict. Asking for ten minutes about a concern makes it a talk your boss can make time for.
What might land betterCould I have ten minutes today? I have a concern about the launch date I’d like to walk you through.
Ask questions first
Find out what’s behind the decision. You may be missing context, or they may be. Ask because you want to know, not to set up your point.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayWhy on earth would we move it up?
Porcupine · Ask real questions“Why on earth” is a challenge. “What’s driving the May date?” is a real question.
What might land betterWhat’s driving the May date?
Say it plainly
Hedging can make the point disappear. Say it as a concern about the work, not a verdict on their judgment.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to saySorry, this is probably dumb, but I kind of wonder if maybe this might not work?
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, request“Kind of wonder if maybe” puts four hedges before the point. “I have a concern about moving the launch up” starts with it.
What might land betterI have a concern about moving the launch up. Can I walk you through it?
Make your case with facts
What you’ve seen, the numbers, the risks. Facts are easier to weigh than feelings about the plan.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayEveryone thinks this is a bad idea.
Porcupine · Skip “always” and “never”“Everyone thinks” speaks for people who aren’t there. Four issues, two affecting checkout, speak for themselves.
What might land betterTesting found four issues we haven’t fixed, and two of them affect checkout.
Offer another way
Suggest an alternative that meets the same goal. If the early date is for a client, a smaller launch in May might give them what they need.
Us against the problem ›Support the final call
If they decide differently, say you’ll commit to it. Disagreeing, then helping it succeed, is part of working well together.
Stay open ›If it’s unsafe or unethical
That’s different from a disagreement about strategy. Raise it with HR or someone who can help.
Safety first ›
The common mistake
Agreeing in the meeting, objecting afterward
Nodding along, then raising doubts with coworkers, leaves your boss without information they could use, and can look like going around them. Say it to them first.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI’ve already decided.
You could sayUnderstood, and I’ll support it. Could I send you the test results, so you have them if anything changes?
If they sayAre you saying I’m wrong?
You could sayI’m saying I see a risk, and I wanted you to have the facts. You may know things I don’t.
If they sayLet’s talk about this later.
You could saySure. Could we find a time before Friday, since the plan locks then?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySorry, this is probably a dumb question, but I’m not sure moving the launch up is a great idea? Totally your call though!
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, request“Probably a dumb question… totally your call” talks down your own concern. The concern, the evidence and two options give your boss something to weigh.
What might land betterI have a concern about moving the launch up to May. Testing found issues we haven’t fixed yet, and rushing could mean a buggy release. Could we keep June, or launch in May with a smaller set of features?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your coworker, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
Should I disagree in a meeting or privately?
Privately is usually safer, especially for a big disagreement. In a meeting, a question can be easier than a challenge: “What’s driving the May date?”
What if they get annoyed?
Stay calm and keep it about the work: “I want this to go well, which is why I’m raising it.”
What if they decide against me?
Say you’ll support the decision, and do. If things change, you can ask to revisit it with the new information.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).