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Guide · Anyone in the family
How to handle a family disagreement at the holidays
Politics, old grudges, plans for Grandma’s house: here’s how to get through it with everyone still talking.
Decide ahead what’s worth discussing
Some differences won’t be settled over dinner. It’s okay to choose which ones to take up.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›Stay calm
If you feel your face getting hot, take a breath, or step outside for a minute.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayOh, here we go. Every single year.
Porcupine · Pause when flooded“Every single year” adds to the heat. Stepping out for air, and saying you’ll be back, gives you a minute without leaving for good.
What might land betterI’m going to grab some air. Back in a minute.
Listen first
Ask what they mean, and say back what you heard. Feeling heard can take the heat out of it.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayHow can you possibly believe that?
Porcupine · Ask real questions“How can you possibly believe that?” is a question that already has its answer. “What makes you see it that way?” really asks.
What might land betterWhat makes you see it that way?
Disagree without contempt
You can disagree firmly without making it about them.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayThat’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Do you even read the news?
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“Dumbest” and “do you even read the news” mock them. “I see it differently” disagrees just as firmly, and asking to explain keeps it a talk.
What might land betterI see it differently. Can I tell you why?
Look for common ground
You may disagree on the answer and still care about the same thing.
Stay open ›What you might want to sayWe have nothing in common.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“Nothing in common” closes the door. Naming what you both want for the kids gives the disagreement somewhere to start from.
What might land betterI think we both want the same thing for the kids. We just disagree on how.
Change the subject, kindly
“Let’s leave this one for today. How’s the new job?” is a fine way out.
Cool down, then talk ›If it comes up every year
Decide ahead of time what you’ll talk about and what you’ll let pass. It’s okay to have a few topics you simply don’t take up.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Trying to win at the table
A holiday dinner, with everyone watching and tired, is about the hardest place to change anyone’s mind. Trying to win usually turns a disagreement into a scene. Save the big talks for one on one.
Respect, even when angry ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou’re just too sensitive these days.
You could sayMaybe. I’d still rather not argue about it today.
If they sayCome on, I’m just joking.
You could sayI know. It didn’t land as a joke for me. Let’s talk about something else.
If they saySo you think I’m stupid?
You could sayNo, I don’t. I just see it differently, and that’s okay.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayThat’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Do you even read the news? I can’t believe I have to listen to this every year.
Porcupine · Repair attemptsSaying you see it differently, and that dinner isn’t the place to settle it, ends the topic without ending the evening. The new job gives everyone somewhere else to go.
What might land betterI see it differently, and I don’t think we’ll settle it over dinner. Can we leave this one for today? I’d love to hear about the new job.
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Common questions
What if one relative always starts it?
Decide ahead how you’ll answer, so it doesn’t catch you off guard: a short “We see it differently,” then a new topic.
Should I stay quiet to keep the peace?
You can choose your moments. Letting one comment pass isn’t agreeing with it, and you can always talk one on one later.
What if someone says something hurtful about me?
You can say so calmly and briefly: “That hurt. I’d rather not talk about it at the table.” Then step away if you need to.
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More for the season
- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).