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Guide · Managers and employees
How to give an employee difficult feedback
Hard feedback, given well, helps someone grow. Here’s how to make it specific, fair and useful.
Do it privately, and soon
One on one, close to when it happened, and when you’re not frustrated. Feedback weeks later, or in front of others, is harder to hear and harder to act on.
Cool down, then talk ›Describe the behavior, not the person
Specific moments are something they can change. A label isn’t. Pick one or two examples, not a long list.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayYou’re just not a team player.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Not a team player” sums them up. Two meetings, and what happened in them, give them something concrete to look at.
What might land betterIn the last two project meetings, you dismissed ideas before people finished explaining them.
Explain the impact
Say what it meant for the team or the work. Without the impact, it can sound like a matter of your taste.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayIt’s just not okay.
Porcupine · Explain the impact“It’s just not okay” says it’s wrong, not why. People going quiet, and the ideas you’re missing, is why.
What might land betterA couple of people have stopped speaking up in those meetings, and we’re missing their ideas.
Ask for their view
Ask how they see it, and listen. There may be context you don’t have, like a deadline you didn’t know about or tension on the team.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayI don’t want to hear excuses.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“I don’t want to hear excuses” shuts out their side before they give it. “How did those meetings look from your side?” asks for it.
What might land betterHow did those meetings look from your side?
Make it safe to respond
Invite questions and disagreement. Feedback is easier to take in as a conversation than as a verdict.
Us against the problem ›Agree on clear next steps
Say what good looks like, and when you’ll check in. A short note afterward helps you both remember the same thing.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayJust do better, okay?
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Just do better” leaves them guessing what better is. Holding comments, and a check-in in two weeks, says it.
What might land betterLet’s try holding comments until people finish, and talk again in two weeks.
If it’s a pattern, or more serious
If it continues, or involves conduct like harassment or discrimination, bring in HR rather than handling it alone.
Safety first ›
The common mistake
Hinting instead of saying it
Hard feedback often gets softened until it disappears, and then the person is surprised when it shows up in a review. Say the one thing plainly, kindly and early.
What you might want to sayMaybe just something to think about, no big deal, but meetings could be a bit more… open?
Porcupine · Observation, feeling, need, request“Something to think about, no big deal” tells them it doesn’t matter, when it does. Naming the topic and its effect on the team says so.
What might land betterI want to talk about how you respond to ideas in meetings. It’s affecting the team.
If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayNobody’s ever told me that before.
You could sayThat may be true. I’m telling you now because I think it’s fixable, and I want to help.
If they sayOther people do the same thing.
You could sayRight now I’d like to focus on you and me. If something’s going on in the team, I want to hear about it separately.
If they sayFine. Whatever you say.
You could sayIt sounds like you don’t agree. I’d rather hear it now. What am I missing?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYou need to stop being so dismissive. People are sick of it.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Dismissive” and “people are sick of it” are a label and a rumor. Two meetings, what it’s costing the team, a question and a plan give them something to work with.
What might land betterIn the last two project meetings, you dismissed ideas before people finished explaining them. A couple of people have stopped speaking up, and we’re missing their ideas. How did those meetings look from your side? Let’s try holding comments until people finish, and talk again in two weeks.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your coworker, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they get defensive?
Slow down and listen. Say back what you heard, then return to your one or two examples. You don’t have to settle it all in one meeting.
Should I start with something positive?
Only if you mean it, and keep it separate. Praise used as padding can make the real point harder to find, and the praise harder to trust.
What if they get upset?
Give them a moment, and offer to take a break. Being kind about how it lands doesn’t mean taking the feedback back.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineRather say it in person? I’ll get you ready with a first line, and what to say if it gets heated.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).