Guide · Exes
How to sort out shared bills and subscriptions with your ex
This is a message about logistics. Here’s how to keep it that way.
Make a list
Streaming services, phone plans, utilities, memberships, and anything paid from one person’s account.
Propose who takes what
A clear proposal is easier to agree to.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayI’m not paying for your Netflix anymore, so figure it out.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Your Netflix” and “figure it out” put it all on them. Who takes what, and when, is a plan they can say yes to.
What might land betterCould we sort out the shared accounts? I’ll keep the phone plan, and you take the streaming services. I’ll cancel the gym membership on the 1st.
Keep it about logistics
Leave the relationship out of it. Stick to accounts, amounts and dates.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayFunny how you suddenly care about money now.
Porcupine · No sarcasm, insults or contempt“Funny how you suddenly care” is a dig at the relationship. The bill and a split are just the bill.
What might land betterThe phone bill is $90 a month. Could we split this last one?
Agree on dates together
Decide when each change happens, so nobody’s surprised by a bill or a lost login.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayJust get yourself off my accounts.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“Get yourself off my accounts” is an order. Making all the changes by the 1st, so nobody’s charged, works for both of you.
What might land betterCould we make all the changes by the 1st, so nobody gets charged for next month?
Update your logins
Once accounts are split, change passwords and remove saved payment details.
Confirm it in writing
A short message listing what you agreed keeps it clear.
What you might want to sayOk.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Ok” agrees without saying to what. One line with who keeps what gives you both a record.
What might land betterConfirming: I keep the phone plan, you take streaming, and the gym is canceled on the 1st.
If there’s a joint lease or loan
Joint leases, loans and bank accounts can have legal strings attached. Your bank, your landlord or a lawyer can tell you your options.
Safety first ›
The common mistake
Canceling things without warning
Shutting off a shared account to make a point can leave them without a phone or a login, and turn logistics into a fight. Agree on dates first.
Us against the problem ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWhy do I have to take the streaming?
You could sayIt’s just a suggestion. Would you rather keep the phone plan instead?
If they sayYou owe me for last month.
You could sayCould you send me the amount? If it’s right, I’ll pay it by Friday.
If they sayCan we talk about us instead?
You could sayI’d rather keep this to the accounts. Could you let me know about the dates?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayI’m not paying for your Netflix anymore, so figure it out.
Porcupine · A clear, doable requestWho takes what, when, and one thing to do by the end of the month. It’s all logistics, with nothing to argue over.
What might land betterCould we sort out the shared accounts? I’ll keep the phone plan, and you take the streaming services. I’ll cancel the gym membership on the 1st. Could you move your line to your own plan by the end of the month?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your ex, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if one of us owes the other money?
List it plainly, with amounts, and agree on how and when it’ll be paid. Keep it separate from feelings about the breakup.
Who keeps an account if we both want it?
Whoever pays for it, or flip a coin. It’s rarely worth a long argument.
Should we do this by text or email?
Writing is best. It keeps it brief, and gives you both a record of what you agreed.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).