Guide · Partners
How to talk to your partner about phone use
It’s hard to feel close to someone who’s scrolling. Here’s how to raise it without it sounding like a lecture.
Pick a calm time
Not while they’re mid-scroll. Bring it up when you’re both off your phones.
Cool down, then talk ›What you might want to sayCan you put that thing down for once?
Porcupine · Soft start-up“That thing” and “for once” come in mid-scroll as a jab. Asking for a few minutes tonight, phones off, makes it a plan for you both.
What might land betterCould we talk for a few minutes tonight, phones off?
Say what you miss
Missing them is easier to hear than a complaint about their phone.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to sayYou’re on your phone literally all the time. It’s like I’m not even here.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“Literally all the time” invites a count of the times they weren’t. Missing your talks at dinner says what you want back, and “we’re both” shares it.
What might land betterI miss talking with you at dinner. Lately it feels like we’re both on our phones more than we’re talking.
Include your own habits
If you scroll too, say so. It makes it a shared habit, not an accusation.
Own your part ›What you might want to sayYou’re the one who’s always on it.
Porcupine · Own your part“You’re the one” puts all of it on them. Naming your own scrolling first, and when, shows you’re looking at yourself too.
What might land betterI know I scroll a lot too, especially at night.
Ask how they see it
Their phone might be work, family or how they unwind. Ask, and say back what you heard.
Understand before answering ›Agree on a few phone-free times
Dinner, the first half hour in bed, or Sunday mornings. Start with one or two.
Us against the problem ›Ask, don’t police
“Could we try leaving our phones in the other room during dinner?” is easier to say yes to than a rule you enforce.
Ask, don’t pressure ›If it slips
Old habits creep back. A light reminder, and checking in on how it’s going, is part of it.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Pointing it out in the moment
“Are you even listening?” while they’re scrolling can feel like being caught out, and they may defend the phone instead of hearing you. Save it for a calm moment when you’re both off your phones.
Respect, even when angry ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou’re on yours just as much.
You could sayYou’re right, I am. That’s why I’d like us to try this together.
If they sayI’m just checking one thing.
You could sayOkay. Could we finish dinner first, then check?
If they sayIt’s how I relax.
You could sayThat makes sense. Could we find a time for it that isn’t dinner?
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayYou’re on your phone literally all the time. It’s like I’m not even here.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“Me included” makes it a habit you share. Missing your talks says why it matters, and one dinner habit is a small first step to take together.
What might land betterI miss talking with you at dinner. Lately it feels like we’re both on our phones more than we’re talking, me included. Could we try leaving our phones in the other room during dinner?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your partner, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they need their phone for work?
Agree on what counts: a call from work can be taken, scrolling can wait. Phone-free times can be short.
What if I’m on my phone just as much?
Say so first. It makes it a shared goal instead of a complaint.
Should we set rules?
Agreements tend to last longer than rules one person enforces. Choose one or two times together, and check in after a few weeks.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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From the data
- How much time couples spend together, and how much of it is talkingWho fills your day?
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).