Guide · Any relationship
How to tell someone you appreciate them
Not everything worth saying is hard. Here’s how to say the kind things well.
Be specific
“Thanks for everything” is nice. Naming exactly what they did shows you noticed.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to saythx for everything lol
Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“thx for everything lol” could be about anything. The 5 a.m. airport run is about them, and “I know that was early” sees the effort.
What might land betterThank you for driving me to the airport at 5 a.m. last week. I know that was early.
Say the difference it made
Add what it meant for you. It tells them their effort landed.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayIt was nice.
Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“It was nice” is polite. “I was so stressed, and you made the whole morning easier” shows the before and after.
What might land betterI was so stressed, and you made the whole morning easier.
Let it stand on its own
A thank you with “but next time…” attached becomes feedback. Save the request for another day.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayThanks for dinner! Next time maybe text if you’re running late, though.
Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“Though” adds a request to the thanks. Ending on catching up keeps it a thank you.
What might land betterThanks for dinner. It was so good to catch up.
Notice the everyday things too
Appreciation isn’t only for big favors. Small, regular thank yous remind you both that you’re on the same team.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayk thx
Porcupine · Say what you appreciate“k thx” is a reflex. Naming the coffee, and how it helped, makes it a real thank you.
What might land betterThanks for making coffee this morning. It made my day start better.
Say it even when things are tense
You can still say what you appreciate in the middle of a disagreement. It reminds you both that the relationship is bigger than the problem.
Us against the problem ›
The common mistake
Waiting for the perfect moment
It’s easy to save appreciation for a birthday or a card, and then never quite say it. A short message today means more than a long one that never gets sent.
Us against the problem ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayOh, it was nothing.
You could sayIt wasn’t nothing to me. I really mean it.
If they sayAre you okay? That’s not like you.
You could sayI’m fine. I just realized I don’t say it enough.
If they sayThanks, but I’m still upset about last week.
You could sayI hear you, and I’d like to talk about that too. This wasn’t meant to skip over it.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saythx for everything lol
Porcupine · Say what you appreciateWhat they did, that you know it was early, and what it meant to you. It’s a thank you that tells them exactly why.
What might land betterThank you for driving me to the airport at 5 a.m. last week. I know that was early. I was so stressed about the flight, and you made the whole morning easier.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
Is a text enough?
Yes. A text they can reread is a gift. For something big, a handwritten note or saying it in person can mean even more.
What if it feels awkward?
Keep it short and specific. One sentence about what they did and one about what it meant is plenty.
Is it strange to thank someone for something from long ago?
Not at all. “I’ve been meaning to tell you…” is a lovely way to start, and it shows it stayed with you.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).