Guide · Any relationship
How to apologize without making excuses
Many apologies get undone by one word: “but.” Here’s how to own your part so yours lands.
Name what you did
Be specific. Saying exactly what you did shows you understand it.
Own your part ›What you might want to sayI’m sorry if you felt hurt by what happened.
Porcupine · Own your part“If you felt hurt” is about their feelings, not your words. The joke about their job, in front of everyone, names what you did.
What might land betterI’m sorry I made a joke about your job in front of everyone. That was unkind.
Drop the “but”
“I’m sorry, but I was stressed” turns an apology into a defense. If there’s context, it can wait.
Own your part ›Apology checker: what else can take an apology back ›What you might want to sayI’m sorry, but you have to admit you were being really sensitive.
Porcupine · Own your part“You were being really sensitive” turns the apology back on them. “I should have stopped” owns your part, plainly.
What might land betterI’m sorry. I should have stopped when I saw it bothered you.
Ask how it landed
Don’t guess how it felt for them. Ask, and listen to the answer.
Check before assuming ›What you might want to sayI’m sure it wasn’t that bad.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad” decides for them. Asking how it felt lets them tell you.
What might land betterHow did it feel for you, when I said that?
Hear it without defending yourself
Let them finish. Say back what you heard before you add anything.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayOkay, but you have to see it from my side too.
Porcupine · Reflect back first“You have to see it from my side” asks for your turn too soon. Saying back what you heard, that everyone laughed, shows you got it.
What might land betterSo it wasn’t just the joke. It was that everyone laughed along. I get that.
Say what you’ll do differently
A concrete change shows you mean it: “Next time, I’ll keep jokes about your work out of group settings.”
Honest and hearable ›Don’t ask for forgiveness on the spot
Give them room to come back to it when they’re ready. An apology is still worth making if they need time.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to saySo are we good now?
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“So are we good now?” asks for forgiveness on your timing. “Take whatever time you need” leaves it on theirs.
What might land betterTake whatever time you need. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry.
If you’re both at fault
Owning your part never means taking blame that isn’t yours. Apologize for what you did, and raise your own concern separately, later.
Own your part ›
The common mistake
Apologizing over and over
Saying “I’m so sorry” again and again can leave them comforting you, and turns the moment toward your guilt. Say it once, clearly, then listen.
What you might want to sayI’m so sorry, I’m a terrible person, I’m so, so sorry, I feel awful…
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“I’m a terrible person” asks for comfort. “I’m sorry. That was unkind of me.” is the apology, and nothing more.
What might land betterI’m sorry. That was unkind of me.
If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayYou always do this.
You could sayI can see why it feels that way. This time, I’m sorry for the joke at dinner, and I’d like to do better.
If they saySorry doesn’t fix it.
You could sayYou’re right, it doesn’t. I’ll show you with what I do next.
If they sayI’m not ready to talk about it.
You could sayThat’s okay. I’m here whenever you are.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayI’m sorry if you were upset about the dinner thing, but honestly I was just joking, and everyone else thought it was funny.
Porcupine · Own your part“If you were upset” and “I was just joking” put the problem on them. What you did, how it affected them and what you’ll do next time make it a real apology.
What might land betterI’m sorry I made a joke about your job in front of everyone at dinner. It was unkind, and I could see it embarrassed you. Next time, I’ll keep jokes about your work out of group settings.
Run a Quills Check on your apology
Paste it before you send it. I’ll show you what’s working, and anything that might take it back.
The Quills Check needs JavaScript. Please turn it on and reload the page.
Common questions
What if I don’t think I did anything wrong?
Then an apology won’t sound real. You can say you’re sorry it hurt them and ask what happened for them, without apologizing for something you don’t think you did.
Should I explain why I did it?
Not in the apology itself. An explanation right after “I’m sorry” can sound like an excuse. If they ask why, or later on, you can share the context.
What if they don’t accept it?
You can’t make them. Thank them for hearing you, and give them time. An apology is still worth making even if it isn’t accepted right away.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineRather say sorry in person? I’ll get you ready. And when they answer, I’ll help with what comes next.
Porcupine is coming soon. Sign up to be one of the first to try it.
Just your email. How we handle it
More for the season
- Get through the holidays with your family, without a fightWho goes where, gifts, grandparents and the dinner table, in the order they come up.
Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).