Guide · Partners
How to tell your partner what you need
Hoping they’ll just know can leave you both frustrated. Here’s how to say it.
Get clear on it yourself
More time together, more help, more affection, more space? Naming it to yourself first makes it easier to say.
Say what’s underneath ›Say it plainly
Hints are easy to miss. Say what you’d like.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayIt’s fine. I guess some people just like being alone all weekend.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Some people just like being alone” is a hint with an edge, so the wish under it is easy to miss. “I’d really like” says it outright.
What might land betterI’d really like us to spend one day this weekend together, just the two of us.
Say why it matters to you
The reason behind a request helps them meet it in ways you might not have thought of.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayI just want it, okay?
Porcupine · Interests, not positions“I just want it” asks them to take it on faith. Saying it’s about feeling close tells them what the day together is for.
What might land betterTime together helps me feel close to you, and I’ve been missing that.
Make it specific
A vague need is hard to act on. Name something they could do this week.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayI need you to be more affectionate.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“More affectionate” can sound like a grade on how they love you. A hug when they get home is warm, small and clear.
What might land betterI’d love a hug when you get home.
Ask, don’t demand
A request leaves room for a real yes, and for them to share what they need too.
Ask, don’t pressure ›What you might want to sayYou need to start making time for me.
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“You need to” is an order, with a hint that they’ve let you down. “Would Saturday work?” is a question they can answer either way.
What might land betterWould Saturday work for a day together?
Hear what they need, too
Ask, and say back what you heard. Needs run both ways.
Understand before answering ›If you need different things
Sometimes needs differ, like how much time together feels right. A balance you can both live with is a good outcome too.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Expecting them to just know
It can feel like a need doesn’t count if you have to ask. But even people who love you can’t read your mind. Saying it plainly isn’t a failure of the relationship. It’s part of it.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWhy do you need so much?
You could sayIt might seem like a lot. It matters to me, and I’d like to find a way that works for both of us.
If they sayI already do that.
You could sayYou do sometimes, and I notice it. I’d love a bit more of it.
If they sayOkay, but what about what I need?
You could sayYes, tell me. I want to hear it.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayIt’s fine. I guess some people just like being alone all weekend.
Porcupine · A clear, doable requestA hint wrapped in sarcasm hides the wish under it. One day together, why it matters and a question about what they need say it outright, and leave room for theirs.
What might land betterI’d really like us to spend one day this weekend together, just the two of us. I’ve been missing you, and time together helps me feel close. Would Saturday work? And is there anything you need this weekend, too?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your partner, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if I don’t know what I need?
Start with what you feel: lonely, overwhelmed, unappreciated. The need is often the other side of it: company, help, being noticed.
Is it selfish to ask?
Saying what you need gives them a chance to meet it. Hoping they’ll guess leaves you both frustrated.
What if they can’t give me what I need?
Ask what part they can do, and talk about other ways to meet it. A partner doesn’t have to meet every need alone.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineIn a porcupine chat, they get a coach too, and you each say what you need before you work out what to do.
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Just your email. How we handle it
From the data
- How much time couples spend together, and how much of it is talkingWho fills your day?
Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).