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Guide · Teammates
How to repair a working relationship after a conflict
You still have to work together. Here’s how to clear the air.
Let it cool, then reach out
A day is often enough. Don’t let it harden into weeks of avoiding each other.
Cool down, then talk ›Reach out first
Say plainly that you’d like to talk.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayAre we just not talking now?
Porcupine · Repair attempts“Are we just not talking now?” asks them to fix the silence. Saying you didn’t like how Tuesday went, and asking for coffee, breaks it yourself.
What might land betterI didn’t like how our meeting on Tuesday went. Could we grab a coffee and clear the air?
Own your part
Naming what you did, without a “but,” goes a long way.
Own your part ›What you might want to saySorry, but you started it.
Porcupine · Own your part“But you started it” undoes the sorry. “I was short with you” owns your part plainly.
What might land betterI was short with you in that meeting, and I’m sorry.
Hear their side
Let them say how it looked to them, and say back what you heard.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayWell, you were wrong about the budget.
Porcupine · Reflect back first“You were wrong about the budget” reopens the fight. Saying back how it felt to them shows you heard it.
What might land betterIt sounds like you felt I dismissed your numbers in front of everyone. I can see that.
Agree on how you’ll handle the next one
A simple habit you both keep makes the next disagreement easier.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayLet’s just never do that again.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Never do that again” is a hope, not a plan. Talking one on one before the meeting is something you can both actually do next time.
What might land betterNext time we disagree, could we talk one on one before the meeting?
Keep it between you
Side comments to others about the conflict make repair harder.
Respect, even when angry ›What you might want to sayCan you believe how they acted?
Porcupine · Make it a shared problem“Can you believe how they acted?” brings someone else into it. “We’re sorting it out” answers kindly, without taking sides.
What might land betterWe had a rough meeting, and we’re sorting it out.
If it doesn’t improve
Ask your manager to help you find a way to work together, framed as solving a problem, not reporting a person.
Honest and hearable ›
The common mistake
Acting like nothing happened
Avoiding the topic and being extra polite can feel like moving on, but the tension tends to show up in the next meeting. A short, direct conversation clears it faster.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayIt’s fine. Let’s just move on.
You could sayI’m glad. I still wanted to say I’m sorry for Tuesday.
If they sayYou embarrassed me in front of the team.
You could sayI can see that, and I’m sorry. From now on, I’ll raise disagreements with you first.
If they sayI don’t really want to talk about it.
You could sayOkay. If you change your mind, I’m open to it.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayAre we just not talking now?
Porcupine · Repair attemptsHow it felt, what you did, an apology and a question about their side. It does the first part of the repair, and invites them into the rest.
What might land betterI didn’t like how our meeting on Tuesday went. I was short with you, and I’m sorry. Could we grab a coffee and clear the air? I’d like to hear how it looked to you.
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your coworker, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
What if they were the one who was out of line?
You can still reach out first. Own your part, and leave room for them to own theirs.
Do we have to be friends?
No. The goal is to work well together: civil, clear and fair. Friendship is a bonus.
Should I involve my manager?
Try one on one first. If it doesn’t improve, a manager can help, framed as solving a problem.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).