Guide · Friends
How to tell a friend you’re moving away
It’s hard news to share with someone you love seeing. Here’s how.
Tell them yourself, and early
Before they hear it from someone else. A close friend shouldn’t find out from a post.
Honest and hearable ›What you might want to sayDid you see my post? Big news!
Porcupine · Say it out loud“Did you see my post?” lets the internet tell them. A call tonight puts the news in your own voice.
What might land betterDo you have time for a call tonight? I have some news I want you to hear from me.
Say what you’ll miss
It tells them the friendship matters to you.
Say what’s underneath ›What you might want to saySo yeah, I’m moving. It’s whatever.
Porcupine · Name the softer feeling“It’s whatever” hides that it matters. Portland, August, and missing your Sunday walks tell them it does.
What might land betterI’m moving to Portland in August, and I wanted you to hear it from me. I’m really going to miss our Sunday walks.
Hear how they feel
They may be sad, or happy for you, or both. Let them say so.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayDon’t make this sad.
Porcupine · Validate the feeling“Don’t make this sad” asks them to hold back. Saying you’re sad too lets you both feel it.
What might land betterI can tell this is a lot. I’m sad about it too.
Make a plan to stay in touch
A monthly call, a visit, a show you both watch and text about. Something specific.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayWe’ll definitely keep in touch!
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Definitely keep in touch” is easy to say and easy to lose. The first Sunday of every month is a plan you can keep.
What might land betterCould we plan a call on the first Sunday of every month?
Make time before you go
If you can, plan a few last things together before you leave: a favorite restaurant, one more walk. It gives the move a good goodbye.
Us against the problem ›If it changes over time
Long-distance friendships change shape. Staying close in a different way is a good outcome too.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›
The common mistake
Leaving it until the last minute
Putting off hard news can feel kinder, but hearing it a week before you leave can feel like they weren’t important enough to tell. Tell them once it’s settled, so you have time together before you go.
Honest and hearable ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayWhy didn’t you tell me sooner?
You could sayI wanted to be sure first. You’re one of the first people I’ve told.
If they saySo that’s it, then.
You could sayNo. It’ll be different, but I want to stay close. Let’s plan how.
If they sayWow. Okay. Congrats, I guess.
You could sayI know it’s a lot to take in. I’m going to miss you so much.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to saySo yeah, I’m moving. It’s whatever.
Porcupine · Name the softer feelingThe news, from you, then what you’re excited about and what you’ll miss, and a plan to stay close. Both feelings are true, and both get said.
What might land betterI’m moving to Portland in August, and I wanted you to hear it from me. It’s a good job, and I’m excited, but I’m really going to miss our Sunday walks. Could we plan a call once a month?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your friend, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
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Common questions
Should I tell them in person?
If you can, yes, especially a close friend. A call is the next best thing. A text can work for a wider circle.
What if they’re upset with me?
Let them be. Sad or upset often means they’ll miss you. Say back what you hear, and that you’ll miss them too.
How do we stay close long-distance?
Pick something regular and easy: a monthly call, a shared playlist, a visit each year. Small habits keep a friendship going.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
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Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).