Guide · Exes
How to talk to your ex about mutual friends after a breakup
You don’t have to split your friends like the furniture. Here’s how to agree on the basics.
Stick to what’s coming up
This isn’t the time to go back over the breakup. Talk about the birthday, the wedding or the group chat.
Describe, don’t diagnose ›What you might want to sayBefore the party, we need to talk about why you left.
Porcupine · The behavior, not the person“Why you left” brings the breakup into party planning. Sam’s party on Saturday is the only thing to settle.
What might land betterAbout Sam’s party on Saturday: can we agree on how we’ll handle it?
Keep friends out of the middle
Friends who feel they have to pick a side lose out, and so do you both. Saying so can be a relief for everyone.
Us against the problem ›What you might want to sayI’m going to Sam’s party whether you like it or not, so don’t make it weird.
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“Whether you like it or not” and “don’t make it weird” start with a challenge. Wanting you both to go, and asking if it works, makes it a plan.
What might land betterI’m planning to go to Sam’s party on Saturday. I’d like us both to be able to go and keep it friendly. Does that work for you?
Agree on the basics
A quick hello is fine, no going over the past at the party, and either of you can leave early. Settling it ahead of time takes the pressure off the night.
What you might want to sayJust stay away from me.
Porcupine · A clear, doable request“Just stay away from me” is hard to do at a small party. A quick hello, and no going over the past, is something you can both do.
What might land betterCould we say a quick hello, and leave the past out of it?
Hear what worries them
They may be dreading the same night. Ask, and say back what you heard.
Understand before answering ›What you might want to sayIt’s not a big deal.
Porcupine · Ask real questions“Not a big deal” waves off what might worry them. Asking about Saturday lets them say.
What might land betterIs there anything about Saturday that worries you?
Some things can wait
One of you may need to skip a few things for a while. That can be a fine answer for now.
Agreement isn’t the only good ending ›What you might want to sayYou have to come, or it’ll look weird.
Porcupine · Ask without guilt or leverage“Or it’ll look weird” puts how it looks above how they feel. “If you’d rather skip this one, that’s okay” gives them a real choice.
What might land betterIf you’d rather skip this one, that’s okay. We can work out the next one.
With the friends themselves
Tell them they don’t have to choose, and don’t ask them to pass on messages or report back.
Ask, don’t pressure ›
The common mistake
Asking friends to pass on messages
Getting a mutual friend to tell your ex something, or to report back, puts them in the middle. If something needs saying, say it to your ex directly.
Ask, don’t pressure ›If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
What they might say, and what you could say back.
If they sayI don’t want you there.
You could sayI understand it’s hard. Sam invited us both, and I’ll keep my distance.
If they sayEveryone’s going to take your side.
You could sayI don’t want anyone to take sides. I’d like us both to keep our friends.
If they sayCan we talk after the party?
You could sayI’d rather keep it to the party. Thanks for being okay with it.
Putting it together
The whole message, before and after.
What you might want to sayI’m going to Sam’s party whether you like it or not, so don’t make it weird.
Porcupine · Make it a shared problemThe plan, what you’d like and a question. It makes the party something you can both go to, without a showdown.
What might land betterI’m planning to go to Sam’s party on Saturday. I’d like us both to be able to go and keep it friendly: a quick hello, and no going over the past. Does that work for you?
Run a Quills Check on yours
Write what you want to say to your ex, however it comes out. I’ll show you if the quills are up, and a version with them down.
The Quills Check needs JavaScript. Please turn it on and reload the page.
Common questions
Who gets the friend group?
Usually no one has to. Friends can stay close to both of you. Let them choose how.
What if they bring someone new?
Decide ahead how you’ll handle it: a quick hello, then time with others. It’s okay to leave early.
What if a friend takes sides?
That’s their choice. You can keep being kind, and leave the door open.
Know someone this would help?
Send them this guide. The link shows its title and one of its examples.
Find the words with Porcupine
PorcupineWhen they reply, I’ll help you keep it brief and friendly. You send it yourself.
Porcupine is coming soon. Sign up to be one of the first to try it.
Just your email. How we handle it
Related guides
Guides are general information, not legal, financial or professional advice. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).