What’s Your Conflict Style? › The five ways back
Conflict styles
The five ways back
What you need after a fight, and what to try when the other person needs something else.
A way back is what you need after a fight. Some people want to talk tonight. Others need a day, a coffee or a plan. It goes with any conflict style, and no way back is the best one: each helps sometimes and misses sometimes.
Find your way backA free quiz: pick what you’d really do in 12 everyday moments. About 3 minutes. It works best before you read on.
The five ways
Talk It Through
You need to go back over it until you both understand.
Does well: You don’t leave things unsaid, and you both end up knowing where you stand.
Can miss: They may not be ready when you are.
Porcupine · a tipAsk when, not whether.
Instead ofWe need to talk about last night. Now.
TryCan we talk about last night? I can wait until you’re ready.
Sorry First
You’re the first to say sorry.
Does well: You stop a fight from getting worse, and you make it easier for them to come back.
Can miss: A quick sorry can stop the fight without solving what started it. And if it wasn’t all your fault, you can end up taking all the blame.
Porcupine · a tipSay exactly what you’re sorry for, and only that.
Instead ofI’m sorry. It’s all my fault.
TryI’m sorry I raised my voice. I still want to talk about the money.
Give It Time
You need space before you can come back to it.
Does well: You come back calmer, and you say less that you’ll regret.
Can miss: To someone waiting, space can look like you’ve left.
Porcupine · a tipSay when you’ll be back.
Instead ofI can’t talk about this.
TryI need a day. Can we talk tomorrow night?
Back to Normal
A joke, a coffee, and it’s over.
Does well: You show you still care without making it a big thing. Small kind moves are a real way back.
Can miss: The big things can stay unsaid, and then they come back.
Porcupine · a tipKeep the coffee, and add one line.
Instead ofAnyway, want a coffee?
TryI brought coffee. Also, I didn’t like how last night went.
Fix It
You want to know what’s different next time.
Does well: You turn a bad moment into something that can change.
Can miss: A plan too soon can feel like skipping how they felt.
Porcupine · a tipCheck that they feel heard before you get to the plan.
Instead ofOkay, so next time, let’s just do this.
TryBefore we figure this out, is there more you want me to know?
When you need different things
Two people can want different things after the same fight. Neither is the wrong way back. It can just feel like the other person isn’t trying.
One wants to talk, one needs time
Waiting can look like leaving, and asking can feel like pushing. The one who needs time can say when they’ll be back. The one who wants to talk can ask when, not whether.
One says sorry, one wants a plan
A sorry can stop the fight and leave the problem where it was. A plan can come before someone feels heard. Start with the sorry, then ask if they’re ready to talk about next time.
One has moved on, one hasn’t
A joke can feel like the end of it to one of you and like being brushed off to the other. The one who’s moved on can ask if there’s more. The one who hasn’t can say so kindly.
Porcupine · a tipSay it out loud, at a calm moment.
You could sayHere’s what I need after a fight. What do you need?
If you say sorry or go quiet because you’re afraid of how they’ll react, that isn’t a way back, and these tips aren’t for that. Put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).
Guides that may help
- How to make up with your sibling after a fightSiblings
- How to apologize without making excusesAny relationship
- How to ask for space without hurting someoneAny relationship
- How to repair a working relationship after a conflictTeammates
Common questions
What should you do after a fight?
It depends on the two of you. Some people want to talk it through, some need time, and some want to say sorry, get back to normal or make a plan. It helps to say what you need and ask what they need.
How long should you wait to talk after a fight?
There’s no set time. Wait until you can both listen, but not so long that the quiet becomes its own problem. If you need time, say when you’ll be back: “I need a day. Can we talk tomorrow night?”
Who should say sorry first after a fight?
Whoever’s ready. Going first doesn’t mean it was all your fault. Say exactly what you’re sorry for, and only that.
Is it okay to move on without talking about it?
For small things, often yes. A joke or a coffee can be a real way back. If something bigger stays unsaid, it can come back later, so say the one thing that matters.
What if we need different things after a fight?
Neither of you is wrong. Say what you need, ask what they need, and agree on one next step, like talking tomorrow night.
Where do these ways back come from?
Porcupine made them up, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They’re for fun and a good conversation.
What’s my way back?
The second half of the quiz shows what you tend to do after a fight, and the whole quiz takes about three minutes. Pick what you’d really do, not what you wish you’d do.
Know someone this would help?
What’s Your Conflict Style?
Pick what you’d really do in twelve everyday moments, and see your style, how you come back from it and one thing to try.
Find your conflict styleMore from Porcupine
More on conflict styles
- The seven conflict stylesSeven ways people handle a disagreement, and five ways they come back from it.
No style is the best one: each works sometimes and trips sometimes, and yours may change with the person and the day. The quiz is for fun and conversation. It isn’t a scientific test, and it isn’t therapy, counseling or professional advice. Porcupine made up these styles and ways back, drawing loosely on common ideas about conflict, and nobody has tested them. They describe what people do in a disagreement, not who they are or how a relationship is going. If you’re afraid of how someone might react, a page like this isn’t enough: put your safety first and talk to someone you trust (Safety first).