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Quills Check › I statements

Free tool · Quills Check

I statements, with examples

Paste what you want to say. See if it could read as blaming, and a version that says how you feel without the accusation.

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Say how it felt, not what’s wrong with them

An I statement talks about what happened and how it landed for you, instead of what’s wrong with the other person. They can hear that without having to defend themselves.

To a partner · quills upYou never listen to me.

What’s behind itYou brought up the trip, and the TV stayed on. You’d like to talk after dinner.

Quills downWhen I brought up the trip and the TV stayed on, I felt brushed off. Can we talk about it after dinner?

What one study found

In an experiment with written scenarios, people judged conflict openers that used “I” language, and that acknowledged the other person’s view, as less likely to make the listener defensive.

Rogers, S. L., Howieson, J., & Neame, C. (2018). I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: The benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. PeerJ, 6, e4831.

Respect, even when angry ›

Fill in the blanks

When what happened, as a camera would see it,

I felt one feeling,

because what matters to you.

Could we one thing that would help?

Use it as a checklist, not a script. If it sounds stiff to you, it’ll sound stiff to them.

Describe, don’t diagnose ›

Starting with “I” isn’t the point

“I feel like you don’t care” starts with “I,” and it still blames. “You said you’d call” starts with “you,” and it’s fine: it just says what happened. So the Quills Check takes out the accusation, not the word.

To a roommate · quills upI feel like you only care about yourself.

What’s behind itTheir rent was late again, and you covered it. You’d like a reminder for the 1st.

Quills downThe rent was late again this month, and I had to cover it. Can we set a reminder for the 1st?

To a coworker · quills upYou always dump the last-minute stuff on me.

What’s behind itThree urgent requests came after 5 this week. You’d like them by 3.

Quills downI got three urgent requests after 5 this week, and I couldn’t do them well. Could we flag anything urgent by 3?

To a parent · quills upYou make me feel like a failure.

What’s behind itYour job keeps coming up at dinner. You’d rather skip it for now.

Quills downWhen my job comes up at dinner, I end up feeling judged. Could we skip that topic for now?

Common questions

What’s an example of an I statement?

“I felt embarrassed when the plan changed in front of everyone. Next time, could you tell me first?” It says what happened, how it felt, and what would help.

Are I statements better than you statements?

When the “you” is an accusation, yes. But the pronoun matters less than the blame: “I feel like you’re lazy” still blames, and “You said you’d be here at 6” doesn’t.

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Know someone who overthinks their texts?

Find the words with Porcupine

PorcupineAn I statement gets the talk started. In Porcupine, I’ll help with the rest: what they say back, and finding a way through together.

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Guides that go with it

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A daily game: one short text, read a few ways. Guess what they meant, then see how everyone else read it. Play today’s

The Quills Check is general information about communication, not legal, financial or professional advice, and AI can get things wrong. Afraid of how someone might react? Put your safety first, and talk to someone you trust.